Collisions At the Crossroads
by Katherine Quinn
Summary: Life changes, circumstances change. Sometimes, there are collisions along the way. A tragic accident, a new chance, and a new beginning all along a bumpy road. A/O
1. Breakfast In Bed

**Chapter 1: Breakfast in Bed**

Alex leaned hard into the doorway of the crib as she stared across the room at Olivia Benson. They had been dating now for almost a full year but it seemed as though it had been a lifetime. Two lifetimes, actually. Her first lifetime as Alex Cabot had been fraught with a deep sexual tension between her and the daring detective. They had danced around their attraction. With a passion they pushed into their jobs they were able to crave each other without identifying their own feelings. They tamed each other with loud voices and shy glances. Their conversations, laced with innuendo, left Alex's blood pounding wondering if she was the one reading between the lines.

Alex could feel Olivia's intensity when they would collide in battle. While she always kept a calm façade, she could feel her pulse racing and blood hammering through her body. She believed deep down that both she and Olivia felt the same about each other though neither acted on it. Perhaps it was because of their jobs? Perhaps it was because the moment was never quite right? Perhaps it was because they had all the time in the world?

It wasn't until all the sand in their hour glass was gone that they realized how precious their time together had been. When Alexandra Cabot died the first time, she realized that she could not live without the warm eyes and quirky smile of Olivia Benson. She focused hard on being someone else but she longed to be nothing but Olivia's.

In her second lifetime as Alexandra Cabot, she was anxious to change things and get it right. No longer delusional that time was a luxury she could afford to spend idly; she quickly got back to work. When she had found her way back to New York, while she pined for a relationship with Olivia and tried to find her. In her new job at her old office, the rumors were that the detective was happily involved with her replacement. The rumor hit her with record speed and brutal efficiency. She decided to stay away because she knew that loving Olivia Benson now would mean leaving her alone.

After time, she fell into a comfortable numbness. Her work was an anesthetic that she could control, and she used it to put Olivia Benson out of her mind. She tried to move on and forget, but it always came back to the same lonely feeling and the same desperate sensation that her heart was incomplete.

One day they ran into each other quite physically. Alex, head down, stormed down the hall after losing a ruling she felt that a first year law student could have won. Her frustration, focused solely on a detective who couldn't follow a search warrant if she acted it out for him, made her long for the days when she worked with detectives that were competent. At the other end of the hall, Olivia Benson was sucked into her cell phone barreling down the hall to make it to a court appointment she was already late for, typing a furious message on a tiny keyboard. In a glorious moment, the two women collided. As two heads rose, two sets of eyes met.

"Alex," Olivia sucked in.

"Olivia," Alex startled.

As both of them stared at each other for a moment, the electric connection that had been severed sparked and sizzled alive. A hand reached out to be met by another. The two had reconnected and Alex discovered that her detective had missed her as much as she'd missed her detective. There had been no one else for Olivia, she had always held out hope that one day, Alex would come home.

From dinner to breakfast, the two stayed together, until one date became ten and ten became a lifetime. Olivia gave Alex strength, power, safety, and Alex gave Olivia understanding, peace, and family. Together, the two were desperately, hopelessly, wonderfully in love.

Since the detectives of SVU had caught a case nearly a day and a half before, Alex hadn't seen Olivia, but now, she watched her spread out on a tiny bunk, chest rising and falling slowly, with pieces of case files lying all around. Photos of a victim were flowing off of the cot and onto the floor and there was still a pen in Olivia's right hand. Alex sighed.

She watched as Olivia's head turned slightly, her hair fell gently over her face. From where she stood, Alex could see the dark lines etched under the detectives eyes which betrayed her lack of sleep. The entire squad had been running on thirty minute sleep breaks, which meant Olivia had been running on less. Alex knew better than to think that Liv would be willing to put herself and her needs first. No, for Olivia Benson, the victim would always come first.

Olivia was wearing the same clothes she had when she had left their home thirty six hours ago. The brunette's tucked in t-shirt had been pulled free from her jeans showing the taut skin of her lean torso and Alex smiled as she recognized her belt around Olivia's slim waist.

Elliot had smiled at her when she had walked into the precinct. "To what do we owe the honor at this early hour, Counselor?" He asked.

"Breakfast," Alex countered, with a smile.

"You are a Goddess," Munch groaned, grabbing boxes of food from her hands and spreading them over Elliot's desk.

"You guys make any progress?" Alex asked, while she watched them group around her and suck down the food as though they had never seen any before.

"That depends on what you qualify as progress," Fin complained, moving away from the group and flopping down into his desk. Stacks of papers piled over his desk and flowed onto Munch's.

"Ah, the glamorous work of an SVU Detective," Alex quipped.

Fin shook his head and stared into the pile in front of him. "Bastard kept every piece of paper he ever touched since kindergarten," he complained.

Munch walked over to the desks, "I don't know, this essay on dinosaurs is pretty fascinating. They are big." He read off the paper.

Fin stared at him with daggers in his eyes.

Alex smiled. She realized that this was probably the first real thing they'd eaten in awhile. She'd seen what was in Olivia's desk and watched her eat nothing but Doritos, a pudding cup, and a steady stream of caffeine for days at a time.

Alex gave Elliot a long look. "Liv?" She mouthed.

He shrugged and looked up the stairs. "Time for her to get up anyway. She probably won't try to rip your balls off." He whispered back.

Alex gave him a wry smile as she grabbed one of the Styrofoam containers of eggs and slowly walked up the stairs.

Elliot was the one person they had trusted with their relationship. Olivia, actually, had already told him about her feelings for Alex before she had come back into her life. Olivia couldn't explain to him why she was falling apart when Alex left.

As much as she wanted to pretend her sorrow was over losing a friend, her own reaction to Alex's loss told her all she needed to know. She had felt the arousal that had come from their fights but she had never before experienced the pain she felt as her heart ripped from her chest when Alex had died. Discovering Alex was alive, but not hers, focused the pain from a bland numb to a sharp stabbing that spread through her body and lodged firmly in her heart.

When they had come together, Elliot had known immediately that something had changed with his partner. They had they own sync and a skip in the beat magnified between them. As Alex had walked down the hall of the Superior Court Building, she had been shocked to feel Elliot's hand around her shoulder, his smile and congratulations for finally winning over his partner's heart flowing from his lips.

With a pause, Alex closed the door to the crib, flipping the lock. She knew that Elliott would be on the other side of the door keeping an eye out for them, but it wasn't worth taking the chance. Quietly, Alex stared at the sleeping form in front of her. Painfully aware of the sound of her heels on the linoleum she walked as quietly as possible across the room and gently sat down on the side of the bed.

She reached out her hand and rubbed the gentle curve of Olivia's chin, leaning into her ear and smiling. "Liv?"

"Alex," was the happy response. Olivia's body responded to Alex's proximity by trying to curl around her.

"Liv," Alex whispered again, pulling down her girlfriend's shirt and pushing her hair off her face. "Time to wake up sweetheart," she whispered gently.

"Mmmm," Liv mumbled as she let her eyes open. Her smile grew as she saw that Alex was actually sitting with her and it wasn't a cruel joke from her lack of sleep. "How come you're here?"

Alex smiled down at Olivia. "I brought you some stuff," she said, pointing down to the eggs she carried and the bag slung over her arm. Alex leaned down and attempted to catch Olivia's lips in a kiss and frowned when she pulled her head back.

"You don't want to do that," Olivia moaned, covering her mouth with her sleeve.

"Why not?" Alex asked, trying to not sound as disappointed as she felt.

"Because the last time I brushed my teeth, I was with you and that was," Olivia said as she looked at her watch and shook her head, "thirty seven hours ago."

"Ew." Alex laughed. "Well you're in luck; I have a toothbrush in this bag with your name on it."

"Are you serious?" Olivia asked, wide eyed.

Instead of answering, Alex reached into her bag and pulled out a toothbrush and a tiny tube of toothpaste and put it into Olivia's hand. "Oh my god." Olivia said, staring at the toothbrush. She stopped and looked up. "What else do you have in that bag?" She asked with a sly smile.

"Hmm," Alex said, rooting around. She pulled out a pair of jeans and a clean shirt. Olivia's smile widened as she watched things come out of the bag. Then Alex produced a lacy black bra with matching bottoms, which made Olivia laugh out loud.

"And that's for?" she asked, fingering the lacy garment and letting it hang from her finger.

"That's the gift I'm giving myself." Alex smiled, raising her eyebrow. "Oh, and I almost forgot, breakfast in bed."

Olivia grabbed the container from Alex and popped it open. "God it smells good."

"When was the last time you ate?" Alex asked as Olivia sat up and grabbed a fork from her.

Olivia looked at the food, and then back at Alex. "What day is it?" She asked scratching her head.

"That's what I thought." Alex said, shaking her head.

"I know," Olivia said, offering Alex a bite from her fork. "We're close though."

"That's good. You planning on coming home tonight or should I bring you jammies?" Alex smiled.

"No, no, I'm coming home. I'll call you, promise."

Alex smiled. She leaned over and kissed Olivia's nose. She stood up slowly and started to walk across the room.

"Hey Al," Olivia called, and she looked over her shoulder.

"Want to wait for me to brush my teeth and then we can make out?" She asked with a smile she tried hard to suppress.

"Tempting." Alex said, shaking her head. "But no. Get back to work, Detective."

"Anything for you, Counselor."

To Be Continued...


	2. The Nightly Grind

**Chapter 2: The Nightly Grind**

Alex's cell phone trilled and she looked at it recognizing the number immediately. "Liv?" she asked.

"Can you come get me?" was the tired reply.

"You guys done?" Alex asked.

"For now." Olivia sighed. "I'm too tired…"

"I'll be there, Liv. Just give me a minute."

Alex looked over her desk, and shuffled through the files in front of her. She grabbed what was most important and threw it into her bag, taking only moments to decide. Grabbing her coat off the rack, she didn't take the time to put it on before walking out of her office and locking the door behind her.

In minutes, Alex found herself pulling next to the curb near the precinct entrance. She could see Liv leaning against the wall. If Alex didn't know better, she would think that Olivia was posing for a modeling shot. Her back tight against the wall one foot resting under her, the other was supporting all her weight. Her thumbs were laced through her belt loops and though she looked like she was half asleep, Alex knew she was keenly aware of what was happening around her.

Olivia watched around her for Alex's pearl colored Lexus to come into sight. When Olivia had first seen it, she had tried hard to keep her mouth from hanging open. She stared at it as a price tag started to flash behind her eyes, the base price alone was more than she made in a year. Hell, that golden L on the front was three thousand dollars and served as a glowing reminder of the socio-economic differences that lay between them.

Olivia changed her weight on her feet, letting her head dip back for a second to stretch her tight neck. While Alex might be an ADA, her job was not her major source of income. Alex had inherited money from her parents—there was a trust fund set up in her name that would let her live quite comfortably without needing to work at all. While Alex lived modestly compared to her general means, her cars were entirely a different matter.

The first time Alex had thrown her keys and told her to drive, Olivia nearly had a heart attack. "Do you know how much that car costs?" she gasped as she started at Alex's other car, the bright red Mercedes convertible.

"I have a pretty good idea," Alex rolled her eyes.

"I, uh, can't," Olivia said, throwing the keys back. "If something happened…"

"It's insured," Alex said flippantly, throwing the keys at Olivia again.

"But," Olivia stammered.

"It's a car, Olivia. It's replaceable. And besides," Alex whispered, stepping closer to the wide mouthed brunette. "You? Driving that? I don't think I could resist you."

Olivia stared at the keys in her hand, and then back at the car, and then at Alex. Alex smiled a possessive smile. Her body turned catlike as she stalked over to her girlfriend. Taking Olivia's face into her hands, she stared into Olivia's eyes with a smoldering look and as purposely as she could, leaned in and kissed her on the lips, a purring sound in her throat.

Olivia's head pushed closer, desperate to make the kiss deeper, but her urgent whimper made Alex pull away. "Ready?" Alex asked with a self satisfied grin, turning on her heel leaving Olivia behind her holding the keys.

And Olivia had to admit, there was some kind of satisfaction that came from the first time Elliot had seen the car. The two of them immediately turned into amateur gear heads while Alex and Kathy shook their heads and bonded over their "boys."

Olivia checked down the street and saw the car coming towards her. Saying a silent "thank you," to whichever God was listening; she pushed herself off the wall and walked towards the curb. She pulled open the passenger door and slid into the already warm car. Alex leaned over and gave her a quick kiss before pulling back out into traffic.

Besides their hello, neither spoke. They didn't need to. Liv let her head fall back against the head rest, and her left hand fell comfortably into Alex's right. A quiet squeeze and a few moments of silence and Alex smiled as Olivia's quiet snore filled the car.

"We're here," Alex whispered as she shook Olivia awake gently. Coming to life all at once, Olivia rubbed her face and mumbled an apology for falling asleep. Alex smiled at her and shook her head, pulling her girlfriend out of the car, happily wrapping her arm around the detective's lean waist and walking with her into their apartment.

They fell into their own comfortable rhythm. Both of them dropped their professional clothing, Liv hitting the shower and Alex padding into the kitchen pulling out pans and staring absently into the refrigerator. While Olivia washed off the last two days, Alex shuffled through the fridge looking for things that weren't expired or growing. She had spent a lot of time when she had been away learning to cook. She had found the ability empowering, and now, Olivia found it endearing. Even though Olivia had showed healthy skepticism at first, Alex had slowly shown her that she could create magic in the kitchen.

Alex smiled as Olivia wandered into the kitchen. In a tight tank top and boxer shorts Olivia ran her fingers through her wet hair, tussling it trying to get the excess water to drip off the ends. Alex watched her, aware of both the deep love and unfailing attraction that were running through her. They didn't speak to each other; they didn't need to. Olivia crawled into her chair at the kitchen table and watched Alex as she pulled together the final stages of their meal. As she set it before Olivia, the detective looked up at her and smiled. "You're too nice to me."

Alex laughed at her, and leaned over kissing her gently on the forehead. "You're delirious."

"Could be," Olivia said with a smile, staring down at the food in front of her, trying to remember how she was supposed to get it into her mouth. Alex walked slowly over to the table with her plate and slid into her chair opposite Olivia. With a sympathetic smile, Alex stared at Olivia, watching her as she picked off her plate. Olivia looked up at Alex and smiled. "Sorry," she muttered. "I'm not great company."

"You don't have anything to be sorry for," Alex assured her. "You look so tired."

"I am." Olivia affirmed, a deep yawn taking over her body. She leaned back into her chair and pushed her plate back. "How was your day?"

"Good," Alex said with a bemused smile. She was pretty sure she could tell Olivia that pigs had flown through her office and she would get the same reaction. She could see the Olivia's eyes fighting to remain open while she tried to keep up a conversation. "Come on, baby," Alex said, putting her hand out and pulling Olivia to her feet.

"Mmm," Olivia said, without protesting. She followed Alex to their bedroom and let Alex pull back the sheets and put her to bed. Olivia hit the bed happily with a contented whimper. "Allie, will you?" Olivia mumbled.

"Of course sweetie," Alex smiled, sliding over to her side of the bed and laying carefully next to the brunette. Olivia lay quietly on her stomach and turned her head to look at Alex.

"Love you," Olivia murmured, her eyes closing as Alex rubbed her hand in gentle circles over the detective's back. Alex smiled—she had learned that trick quite by accident, but rubbing Olivia's back put her to sleep in seconds. It was better than a sedative. She happily watched as her girlfriend nearly purred beneath her ministrations. In a few moments, Olivia was out and Alex sat up sighing contentedly watching her sleep.

She walked back to the kitchen, clearing the dishes away from the table. She pulled out the files she was supposed to complete. She remembered when she was in law school sitting for hours in an actual law library, now with a few clicks of a keyboard she could find most of what she needed. When she finally found herself wandering towards bed, she smiled as she watched Olivia, dead to the world. Alex crawled into the bed next to her and carefully spooned up against Olivia. She sighed, but didn't wake up. Alex curled up into her and with Olivia's scent filling her head fell quickly asleep.

To Be Continued...


	3. Family Planning

Family Planning

Another stakeout, Olivia sighed as she stared out the dark window down the street, looking for any sign of movement. Elliot leaned back into his seat, fidgeting with the radio. It was a quiet routine, the two of them alone in the car, settling in for what most likely would be a long night. Olivia sat back too, but immediately felt the weight of her eyelids pulling her into sleep. She adjusted herself so she was sitting up straight. It had only been a few hours, but it already seemed like days.

She should have spent her time off sleeping, not fooling around on the couch like a kid, but it was so rare that she and Alex had time off together and she wasn't sad she had spent the time the way she had. Her mind went back to the afternoon, the two of them lying lazily together, "watching a movie," which they never actually managed to do. Olivia swore that Alex had ADD—after thirty minutes Olivia would hear a breathy, "Olivia, I'm bored," followed by roving hands that slid up her torso and teasing lips that drove her to distraction. She found it incredibly hard to resist Alex Cabot, especially when Alex had her mind made up.

Now Olivia was bored, but instead of being able to tease her girlfriend into a frenzy, she was with Elliot, who was rambling about his position in the Superbowl pool and the likelihood of the Giants/Patriots game going in his favor.

Olivia's mind wandered to how her life had changed. For the first time in her life, she felt like her job was not all she had. She had always been exceptionally dedicated, and she didn't consider herself any less so, but she had finally found her own reason to go home at night. She had always been happier to crash at the office and when everyone else stumbled home to their lives and their families, she had felt the acute loneliness that underlined the fact that she lacked one. Now, instead of being the first one in and the last one out, she had a reason to want to rush home at night: a beautiful blonde woman who was able to both challenge her mind and fulfill her fantasies.

It crossed her mind that she didn't want that to change. Alex's birthday had set her mind thinking. She had stood in the jewelry store, staring at a pair of earrings she and Alex had seen before that Alex had fawned over. Staring into the case, she waited while the clerk stood in front of a young couple who were giddy with excitement. The two of them, so young and happy, were holding each other tight, smiling at each other eyes. "We're here to look at engagement rings," the awkward young man said, while the woman with him giggled happily. "She just said yes," he said with pride. She thought how tacky it was that he hadn't gotten the ring first; when she asked Alex to marry her she would definitely have the ring and a plan.

The thought froze in her head. Her heart started to pound in her chest.

When she asked Alex?

When had that even become a possibility?

She thought back to other times that she was asked for a commitment. She had run like hell every time. Run screaming, in most cases. The longest commitment she had ever made in her personal life was caring for a plant, and hell, even that had died after two weeks. She didn't want to be needed and she definitely didn't want to be trapped. But now?

Now it wasn't just a possibility, it was an obsession.

She found herself back in that store every day for a week, staring at the diamond rings. She was embarrassed as she continued to think about nothing but commitment. The more she thought about it, the more she wanted Alex's promise to love her forever. She wanted to tell everyone they knew how in love they were. She wanted Alex to know how proud she was of them. She wanted to people to see her ring on Alex's finger and know that she had promised to love the blonde until the end of time.

With a deep breath and a signature promising to pay more money than she ever thought she could spend in one transaction, Olivia Benson walked out of the jewelry store with a sparkling diamond ring in her pocket.

"Liv?" Elliot asks, looking at Olivia with a question in his eyes. He's surprised when she doesn't immediately have an opinion the upcoming Knicks season.

"Huh?"

"The Knicks?" He says, expectantly.

"What about them?" Liv asks, curiously, as though he's the one who hasn't been paying attention.

"What do you mean what about them? Do you think they should go to all pink uniforms or stick with the plaid? What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing," she said, with a shake of her head. "Sorry, El, just thinking."

"Want to talk about it?" He asks, knowing what the answer will be.

"No, thanks though," She says with a brave smile.

"Trouble in paradise?"

"Oh, no, no," Liv mumbled shaking her head.

"So?"

"I, just, thinking, you know, a lot, about, you know, Alex, and how my life has changed, and, you know."

"You okay?"

"Yeah," Olivia muttered again, "Why do you keep asking me that?"

"You're stammering, Liv. Not like you." Elliot smiled shaking his head.

Olivia sighed. He knew her too well and sometimes she hated him for it sometimes. "Elliot. When you married Kathy, how'd you know it was right?"

"She was pregnant." Elliot shrugged.

"But, you loved her, right?"

"Of course," Elliot said. "I mean, I got her pregnant," he said, with a smile.

Olivia rolled her eyes at him. "And when you guys got married, did that change?"

"The love?"

"Yeah?"

"No, I mean, in some ways, it was stronger. I don't know how to explain it. Dating her was great, but marrying her was a different level. Knowing she was mine. It was scary, Liv, I was young and I had a family on the way."

Olivia nodded at him, staring at the window. "Do you ever regret it?"

"Every day of my life. Would I change it? Absolutely not."

"I think I'm going to do it, El."

"What?"

With a deep breath, Olivia shoved her hand deep into her pocket. Elliot's eyes widened as she pulled out a little black box. "Is that?" He asked. Slowly, Olivia opened the box to reveal the diamond solitaire ring that had been her obsession. "Jesus Christ Liv," he mumbled as he took the box from her hand. "That had to cost a fortune."

She smiled a shy smile. "I know," she said, running her fingers through her hair.

"So you're gonna?" He asks.

"Her family lives just outside of Boston. It's legal there. And now it's recognized here, so we could actually conceivably do it." Liv supplied.

"Wow." He said, staring at the box. "I never thought I'd see the day." He smiles. "Congratulations."

"I haven't asked her yet."

Elliot rolled his eyes at her. "Please, Liv." He handed the ring back to her. "It's a sure thing."

"It is not," Olivia mumbled, shoving the ring back into her pocket.

"Do you have a plan?" He asked.

"I was thinking tomorrow night?" She smiled. "I have reservations at her favorite place, and I was going to take her on a carriage ride through Central Park."

"God you're sentimental."

"I am not." Olivia blushed.

"Please," Elliot laughed.

"I could actually see us, you know, having a family someday even."

"Wow, Benson, you're turning into a true romantic. She really does have you wrapped around her little finger, doesn't she?"

"Shut up, Elliot." Olivia crossed her arms, feeling her face burning.

Elliot sat back against the seat. He started at her for a long second. "I'm not going to help you plan your wedding, you know. I'm not that kind of guy. I don't do pink bows and girly crap."

"I wouldn't ask you to. You have horrible taste. Look at that shirt."

"Touché." He laughed, pausing for a second. "Oh come on, who else would you ask?"

Out of the corner of her eye, Olivia saw movement. All humor was gone and her face turned serious. "Elliot, look." She said, pointing towards the door.

"He's on the move," Elliot said quietly, speaking into the headset that he flipped on.

Munch's voice cackled back. "He's getting into a black SVU."

"We're in pursuit," Elliot told him.

To Be Continued...


	4. Perspectives

**Perspectives**

Olivia stood in front of Alex smiling her gorgeous smile with her hand outstretched beckoning Alex to grab on. Alex felt incredibly shy in her gaze. She put her head down, but Olivia beckoned to her again, and reluctantly Alex stepped forward slowly. She could feel her face blushing as she looked up to meet Olivia's incredibly intense stare.

"Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?" Olivia whispered to her.

Alex felt so timid. She felt the power of Olivia's beauty radiating off of her as if she was glowing.

"I love you so much." Olivia said, as she reached over to carefully slide her finger over the line of Alex's chin and the soft line of her waist.

Alex smiled at her. Olivia lifted Alex's head. With a deep intensity, she leaned into Alex and gently gave her a kiss.

Alex loved the way Olivia kissed her. It was gentle and soft, a probing kiss that made her feel desired, wanted, needed. Olivia had the amazing ability to make her feel like she was the most beautiful woman on Earth.

Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex's waist, pulling her in tight. Their kisses became deeper more frantic. Alex pulled at Olivia's hand, moving it, pressing it to where she wanted to be touched.

Olivia stopped. She leaned back and looked at Alex, staring her deeply in the eye. "No matter what happens, I will always love you. I will always be with you, Alex." she whispered before she disappeared.

With a start, Alex sat up in bed, gasping for breath.

Alex had never been good at waking up alone in the dark. Since she and Olivia had lived together, though, she had become a pro. She never realized how often it was that the detectives of the SVU got called out in the middle of the night. It was always as a last resort, but so many nights Olivia, barely awake, would try her hardest to make no noise as she fumbled for clothes and shoes.

At first, the shrill ring of the phone would scare Alex awake, her heart pounding in her chest. Once she was up, she could rarely get back to sleep, the suddenness of the sound made it impossible for her to calm her nerves.

Olivia would grab the phone, comforting her and dealing with whatever the new case was without even fully being awake. Olivia joked that it was helpful that she didn't have to look far to get a warrant in the middle of the night, and Alex told her it was great that she didn't even have to roll over to say "no."

The phone had pulled her out of her dream and it had been such a good dream. She leaned over to wake Olivia up. It wasn't like her to sleep through the phone ringing. When she reached, though, she realized that Liv wasn't there and the pieces started to fall into place. Elliot had picked Olivia up that night—unusual for them now since for all intents and purposes, Olivia had a car of her own if she wanted it.

Alex stared at the phone, wondering who it was who couldn't read an assignment sheet. She reached for the phone, but when she picked it up, the line was dead. Immediately, she could hear the ring of her cell phone in the next room. She sighed—she must have left it on her desk. She was no good at keeping track of that damn thing. It was Olivia who picked them up each night, gathered them together and put them next to the bed. Without her? It was a crap shoot.

Maybe it wasn't Liv this time, though—maybe this was one of the few times they actually needed her at three am. That of course set her mind racing to which judge she could possibly pull out of slumber to get a warrant. Olivia had said they were sitting on a house tonight; maybe they had finally made an arrest.

Alex stumbled out of bed and down the hallway. Rushing to get to the phone before it flipped to voice mail, she stumbled over Olivia's shoe. "God damn it, Liv. I hate you sometimes, why can't you put these away?" she mumbled as she ran for the phone.

"Cabot," she said, entirely out of breath as she grabbed the phone.

"Alex?"

"Elliot?"

"Alex, there's been an accident. You've got to come, she needs you now."

Numbly she listened to his instructions. She stared at the wall as her brain processed details and words she couldn't understand.

Slowly things slammed into place. Alex stared around their apartment with wide eyes. What should she do? What the hell should she do?

She needed to get dressed. She walked back towards the bedroom and stumbled.

Those shoes.

Liv's shoes.

This time, she picked them up and held them close to her.

How she loved the way that Liv would forget and leave those shoes behind.

Her eyes welled with tears. Her back slid down the wall, her knees came to her chest, as deep sobs racked her body.

To Be Continued...


	5. Stars

**Stars**

The scene was familiar to both of them. She couldn't even begin the count the number of times she and Elliot had done this same thing. Car chases were never routine, but they were easier when she had complete faith in the person who was driving the car.

Adrenaline flowed in their blood, as their senses elevated to razor sharp responses. Their car dodged between others to keep up with the speeding black SUV ahead of them. Most people had the sense to pull over, but there was always that one idiot who slammed on the brakes in the middle of the road. Elliot swore under his breath as they dodged around a checkerboard of stopped traffic.

They had their flashing red light in the front of the car. Olivia had always preferred to chase in a traditional black and white car—which was of course entirely impractical for a stake out. There was a certain kind of authority that came from being in one of those that their unmarked cards lacked. They had trouble pulling people over in unmarked vehicles. People were so god damn suspicious, not that she could blame them. With what she saw, she probably wouldn't stop for an unmarked car either, but then again, she could spot an unmarked car fifty feet away.

She could hear the sirens on either side, coming towards them quickly. Back up was on the way as they sped out of the city and past parks, houses, and schools. She hated this type of chase. There was such a risk of injury, especially in residential neighborhoods. There was so much that could go wrong. Of course it helped that it was the middle of the god damn night. She knew well enough that just because it was the middle of the night didn't mean that children were safe.

She called out directions over the radio. She scanned the windows carefully, watching for pedestrian traffic to give Elliot as much of a heads up as was humanly possible when assholes stopped in the middle of the street.

"It's green," She yelled to Elliot as he started to slow for the upcoming intersection, "Go, go," she yelled to him as she felt the car accelerate because he trusted her call.

It was only one second.

Sometimes, things happen so quickly, that it seems like it's all going in slow motion. The pictures of it flash like old animation, one slow frame a time. They're filled with a jerky movement forward reminding the viewer that things aren't quite as they seem. It's not whole. The story is not fluid and the retelling not entirely correct.

Pieces are missing.

Big pieces. Without them, the whole thing was no longer discernable and no one was sure what had been and what was.

While Olivia would hear several stories about the events of that night but most of what she would remember came in fragments. Elliot's voice. Street names and numbers. The green light. When Elliot glanced to the right, she instinctively checked the left. There was nothing. She knew there was nothing. But then? The headlights were so close. Elliot screaming her name. The wrong side. The wrong time. The collision.

The sound came first. The crunch of metal against metal—the fight of the pieces proving that no two things can exist in the same space at the same time. The squeal of tires as the cars pushed across the intersection at an awkward angle, victims of gravity and physics.

The things that ran through her mind didn't make sense. She would remember worrying about the coffee cups, no longer in their holders, splashed against the interior of the car. The smell of the coffee mixed with the unmistakable copper and chemical smells of blood and gasoline.

Most of it is over before she knows it has happened. There was an eerie silence like the entire world has stopped for a moment. Pieces fall back into place. Far away a radio is blaring, wheels spinning on their axis with an eerie chilling squeal. The squawk of their radio fills the air, and yet, it seems as though it's a million miles away playing through a foggy haze.

Nothing happens.

No one moves.

Quiet.

And then...

He moves.

He is talking but she's not talking back.

"Olivia?"

She hears her name. His voice.

"Talk to me?"

She tries to talk back.

She knows he's there.

That's enough.

She tries to move, but she can't. She tries to get out, but everything's numb.

Alex's face flashes through her mind—it trumps the pain and the fear. Someone has to tell her. She wished that Alex never had to know. She wants to get out so she can make this all okay. So that no one worries.

She needed to get out. She pushed and felt the immediate protest. Her lungs can't fill with air fast enough. She's immediately dizzy and regrets moving. She lays back willing herself to stay awake.

It seemed like hours before she heard sirens, someone was finally on the scene. She knows it's probably seconds.

She can't see much, but she can hear pieces of conversation. Processing is hard.

She wants to yell, but her voice doesn't work. She waits. She can hear Elliot's voice.

She knows he's there and she's content to know he will find her. He screams at someone, "My partner's inside."

She sees a face.

"She's alive," the guy shouts, and she realizes in hazy layers that he's talking about her. Metal crunches and she feels herself moving. She feels pain but it feels far away. She hears medical jargon; she's heard it all before. "She's bleeding," someone says. My head. She wants to tell them it's not as bad as it looks. It's always like that with head wounds.

She hears her own voice, "A.." It sounds like it's coming from a hundred miles away. It's so hard to breathe.

"She's trying to say something."

She tries to suck in air. "Alex," she manages, but she realizes that all she gets back are confused faces.

"Did you get that?" One of the guys says to the other.

"No," He says. He puts a mask over her face. It's too late.

Someone's got to tell her, and it fleets through her brain that maybe no one will. No one knows through their own design.

Someone throws a blanket over her. She's not cold, she wants to say, even though she knows it's January and it's freezing. She stares at the sky, thinking about how she can see the stars. Everything is so peaceful and reality is fading so fast.

A guy grabs her, they're moving her and white hot pain flashes through her body. "She's a cop," Elliot shouts.

"Olivia Benson," someone says.

"There's a ball park where they can land." Another voice says.

Elliot talks. "That's my partner," he yells.

Yes, yes. Elliot. She thinks.

"Olivia," another voice says, "We're going to take you to the hospital. You've got to stay awake for us."

She hears a chopper and wonders who it's for. Her eyes move again to the sky, to the million stars twinkling bright. Alex, she thinks. They're just like the sparkle in her eyes. Alex's face is the last thought that flashes through her mind as a deep sinking blackness falls over her and she falls into unconsciousness.

To be continued...


	6. Media Darling

**Media Darling**

Alexandra Cabot was a woman of reason, logic, and composure. These were principles she held dear-- things she prided herself on. She didn't want it to be any other way. She loved the fact that people heard her name and felt fear when they knew they would have to face off against her. She wanted to have that edge. She wanted to be a competitor and an intimidating opponent. She had a brain and she wasn't afraid to use it. She could talk her way out of most situations, and she could rationalize nearly anything.

This, she could not rationalize.

How could this have happened? How could this be real? She almost let herself believe that it was all a joke—she wanted it desperately to be that way. Maybe Elliot had a sick sense of humor? But she knew it wasn't true. She knew that wasn't possible. She knew that Olivia was really hurt and that she really had to go. She only let herself think for a moment that if Elliot hadn't been there, if he had been severely hurt, she wouldn't have even been told.

Who would have called her? No one knew about them besides him. She would have waited for her to come home, waited for hours, maybe days and it may have been precious time that Olivia had needed her that she hadn't been there.

Elliot sent a patrol car to come get her; he refused to let her drive. She was grateful for that; she didn't think she could have even if she wanted to. She actually felt bad for the poor kid who had come to pick her up. She couldn't explain it to him why she was acting like a crazy person. She couldn't explain it to herself. Nothing focused the love that she felt for Olivia like the thought of her not being there. She looked in the rear view mirror of the car and saw his young face riddled with confusion. Maybe she was just getting older, but the new patrol officer couldn't have been more than 22. He couldn't possibly understand what it was like to feel like your life was ending when it had only just begun.

While Alex would have loved to believe she was able to keep it together, she knew she was falling apart. Her breath was coming in gasps and more than once the kid asked if she was okay. She tried hard to be rational. She tried to keep the tears to herself, but they flowed out of her eyes against her will. Elliot's voice resonated in her head, "She needs you now."

She wished that she knew more. She wished that Elliot had told her more. She wished Elliot had told her less.

The entrance doors to the ER were blocked with flashing lights. Black and white's, unmarked cars, and even members of the press were haphazardly parked in front of the entrance, while the hospital security guard stood irritated in the middle, trying to sort of owners and make some kind of semblance of order. It happens anytime an officer has been injured…or has died, Alex thought. Had things changed? Alex felt her throat go dry.

She didn't think there was enough air in the world to fill her lungs and she started to feel lightheaded. Her pulse started to pound in her throat, the intense fear flooding through her body.

"She needs you now."

She pushed the fear from her mind.

"She needs you now."

Unsteadily, she pulled herself from the car before the kid could even officially park it. Instead, he came to a quick stop.

"Miss Cabot," he called after her, struggling to put the car into park quick enough to catch up with her. "I'm supposed to be with you," He yelled.

Alex couldn't hear anything but her own heart beat in her ears. She rushed towards the main ER doors and through the focus of activity. Fighting the crowd she pulled herself against the main desk and breathed, "Olivia Benson," to the nurse behind the counter. "Can you tell me where she is?"

"Press?" She asked and Alex looked at her blankly. For a moment she thought it was a trick question, but from the serious look the nurses face, she could tell the woman definitely expected an answer.

"What?"

"Are you with the press?" She asked again, patiently.

"No," Alex said, slowly. Why would she even…?

Only then did Alex look behind her. The front lobby of the ER was set up with camera crews, photographers, and local reporters. It was a zoo of people she absolutely did not want to see. She quickly turned herself back around to try to explain when she heard it.

"Alexandra Cabot?" Someone said her name again and then her position. A whisper flew through the room. She knew the voice and she recognized one of the cameramen as a regular reporter from the court house. "Is this an SVU detective?" he screamed at her. She swallowed hard, suddenly incredibly conscious of the fact that she was still wearing her pajamas.

Alex stared at him her face paling. She had nothing to say. She had a swirling mass of feelings that she hadn't even begun to unwind, let alone share with these people. "Miss Cabot, can you comment on the detective's injuries?"

"Uh," She said, before another question was hurled at her.

"Miss Cabot, can you verify that the officer is in critical condition at this time?" God, which one, she wondered.

"Miss Cabot, is it true that the subject of the investigation was not apprehended? If the officer dies, will you be adding murder to the charges?" Was there really a chance of that happening? Horrible images danced through her head.

"Is it true that you were friends with the detective injured?" Someone asked. You could say that, she thought, swallowing deeply.

Alex stared at them wide eyed. How did they know so much when she knew so little?

She didn't care to be ADA Cabot right now. Right now, she was just Alex Cabot. And she was terrified because the love of her life needed her and she wasn't there for her. She was scared because she didn't know what was wrong or how bad. She was scared because Elliot was so vague and no one would tell her anything.

"What interest does the DA's office have in this officer's injuries?" a reporter yelled loudly, a question that echoed through her mind. Her face went blank—her mind went blank.

"No comment," she managed to say, hearing questions fire at her. She turned her back and looked over the counter at the nurse. "Please." She whispered. Behind her, she could hear her 22 year old savior pushing in behind her shoving the press back.

To Be Continued...


	7. Damage Control

**Damage Control**

"Please," Alex asked her as quietly as she could. "Elliot Stabler called me here. I work with the detectives. I need to see Olivia Benson."

"And I need a break honey." The nurse said.

"The officer, the one that was brought in here. I need to see her." Alex said, deciding to ignore the rude comment.

"And you are?"

Alex took a deep breath. "I'm an Assistant District Attorney, Alexandra Cabot" she said, reaching for her bag searching for an ID. "I work with them. Please." She said desperately.

"Detective Stabler has told us you'd be coming." She said. "He's been adamant about it. Alexandra Cabot. I was to be looking for you specifically. It was the only way he'd settle down long enough to stitch him up. They're all waiting back this way," the nurse suddenly smiled and pointed her towards double doors that quickly buzzed open.

Alex stepped through and scanned the room for Elliot. She identified people that she knew, people from her office and officers milling in the hallways. In a quiet corner were Fin and Munch, sitting together. Neither were speaking, both of them staring into space. Quickly deciding that neither Elliot nor Olivia was there, she walked over to Fin and Munch, carefully wiping tears from her eyes.

"Where's Olivia?" She asked.

They both looked at each other and looked back at her. Neither answered. She waited impatiently, unable to understand why neither of them could understand while both of them looked into her face for the reason that she looked so frantic. "They haven't updated us yet." Fin said slowly.

Alex could feel the tears forming in her eyes. They were tears that she didn't wish to shed. "Do you know anything?" she asked.

"Elliot said the paramedics got her out. She was conscious on the scene but…"

"I need to see her. I need to talk to her." Alex felt the desperation in her voice. She forced herself to clear her mind. She forced herself to stop. She needed to stay calm.

"She wasn't conscious by the time they got her here Alex. We all want to see her. Trust me, Stabler tried to be in there with her," Fin says slowly.

"You don't understand," She sighed, feeling the intense pressure of the emotions bubbling inside her threatening to spill out.

"Care to explain?" Munch asked, curiously.

"I," Alex started.

"Who called you?" Fin asked.

She ignored him. "Elliot? Do you know where he is?"

"He's getting stitched up. IAB is with him." Fin said.

"They're making him give a statement now?" She asked with total disbelief.

"Company car, pretty sure there's not going to be a problem. Witnesses saw the other guy run the red. They're running a blood test now. " Fin shrugs.

"The other guy was drunk?"

"Looks that way." Munch broke in.

"Was the guy hurt?" Alex asked.

"Apparently not. He'll be spending tonight on the state's dime."

"And Elliot's okay, right? He didn't' tell me that he was hurt."

"Little banged up. Got some cuts to his face. Needed some stitches." Fin said.

"There was nothing he could do. He's beating himself up already over it though." Munch said, quietly.

"I need to see him." Alex said, too desperately. Suddenly, even though she was surrounded by people she trusted and respected, she felt suddenly alone. The two people in the world who knew how badly her world was falling apart were the two people who she couldn't have.

"Alex, he's with…" Fin started, staring at Munch with an upraised eyebrow.

"I need to see him." She demanded again.

Munch shrugged, "This way, Counselor."

Elliot sat quietly on a gurney. A doctor stood in front of him with a suture kit, with a nurse on each side of him to keep him still while the doctor pulled stitches through a gash on Elliot's head. Two guys in suits stood in front of nurses, their arms crossed in front of them with a smug indifference that only served to further make Elliot's blood boil.

He already knew that he would live with the events of the last hour for the rest of his life. Like every other horrible moment of his life, Olivia's lifeless body being pulled from a pile of metal would be seared into his brain with a vivid clarity. The color of her blood would stain his clothes, the sound of her scream would pierce his ears, and the empty feeling of being the one who was now sitting here with minor injuries while she laid unconscious somewhere else would never again leave his soul.

"The light was green." Elliot repeats. He can't understand why they can't understand. He's willing to take full responsibility. He's willing to take the other guys responsibility. He knows that no matter what, he will have been driving that car. If only…

"But you were running hot," the IAB officer asks.

"Yes, but the light was green. The intersection was clear. The guy came out of nowhere" Elliot says again as the moments before the crash run through his mind in a haze. He remembers Olivia's voice in his head, "It's clear." Did he really look? Was it clear? He couldn't remember now. All he could remember was the clashing metal and the horrible paleness of Olivia's skin.

"Is it possible that you were so focused on the chase that you didn't see…"

"Elliot," Alex cried out, as she saw him across the room. Elliot turned his head to see the tear stained face of Alexandra Cabot. Suddenly, he realized the entirety of his mistake. It wasn't just one life he ruined. He felt the weight of another life that he had taken away in a split second fall onto his shoulders. She needed to be with him but he needed to be away from her. For Alex, he was the only tangible link between her and Olivia. For him, he was the only tangible link between ruining both of their lives.

"Alex," He said, trying to stand, nurses on both sides of him pulling him back down onto the gurney. He watched as she nearly started to run to him. He was surprised how young she looked, her hair pulled back in a sloppy pony tail, wearing drawstring pants and a hooded sweatshirt that he knew Olivia liked to run in. She walked up to him, looking into his face. He opened his arm to her, and she stepped into him.

"What happened?" she asked, letting the tears flow freely now. Elliot didn't say anything; he just held her close to him and let her cry. Elliot was surprised how small she felt in his arms, how delicate. He mourned inside while he felt her breaking in his arms.

Munch stood a few feet behind her and watched, uncomfortably realizing that there was more to this story than he knew. He frowned, not quite able to piece it together. Elliot caught Munch's eye and gestured him to leave. With a questioning look, he turned and left, watching over his shoulder as Elliot continued to hold Alex close to him.

"What?" Alex managed to gasp.

Elliot whispered quietly into her ear, "Alex, I'm so sorry."

"What happened Elliot? Is she okay?" Alex asked, panicked, his apology sounding like a final goodbye.

"She, we got hit, we were running hot, we were right behind him. We went through the intersection, and I just remember Liv…and, she must have seen it coming," he stopped. Elliot closed his eyes and was quiet for a moment trying to gather himself. He decided against telling her the worst parts. The white color of Olivia's face, the way she was gasping for air, the way her eyes had closed as the pain had overtaken her. "We got her out, Alex. The other guy hit us, but we got her out alive."

To Be Continued...


	8. The First Year

The First Year

The first year resident on trauma, Steven Johnson, hated it when cops came in. It meant waking up the attending and that meant he would get an ass chewing. They had been working to stabilize this woman for over an hour. It was an auto vs. auto, full impact collision, so as far as trauma went, it was something they saw ten times a day. But because she was a cop, they were supposed to turn into miracle workers.

Not that he didn't appreciate what she did; saving lives, making the gritty city streets safe for the people, and all that jazz. He was supposed to be the same way. It was a noble profession. He didn't like telling anyone that they had lost a loved one, but it was especially difficult when you did it to a family who's loved one was truly a decent person.

She was beat up, that's for sure. They had cut her clothes off, the safest thing to do considering the extent of her injuries and thrown them into a corner. Now, part of his job was to catalogue the contents.

Steven hated nothing more than being the ER Trauma bitch, but it was part of the job. One day, he would run the place and it would be someone else's job to count pocket lint and write it out for the property sheet. He stuck his hand into shards of jeans. He pulled out a wallet. Typical. He opened it and thumbed through it. ID, credit card, insurance card, loyalty card to some sub shop he had never heard of, and $24.78. He wrote it all down. He found another pocket in the wallet and pulled out a wallet sized photo of a blonde. "Hot," he thought. There was one of the lady with a bunch of kids and a older guy. Her and an older woman, he guessed it was her mom, same facial features. He turned it over but there was nothing written on the back. He shrugged.

He shoved his hand into the back pocket of the jeans and pulled out a small notepad. He flipped it open. Just names and phone numbers. Some addresses, a name. He wrote it down on the property sheet. The third pocket had nothing, but the fourth? He shoved his hand deep to the bottom and felt a box. He pulled it out and looked. Ring box.

He tried to remember if she had been wearing a ring; he couldn't remember them cutting one off her, but that didn't mean they hadn't. They try not to do that if they can help it. He opened the box and looked down at a diamond ring. Wow, he thought. This cost some guy a pretty penny. He wondered suddenly why she hadn't been wearing it. Maybe she couldn't when she was working? That must have been why she had taken it off and carried it in the box. He looked on the inside of the ring, it was inscribed, even better. "Forever, Alex." Well, then, he was looking for Alexander.

The resident picked up her shirt and wrote it on the paper. Sighing, he shoved it all in the bag, but hesitated when it came to the ring. He knew that this stuff generally got locked up and was generally safe, but chances are the guy who gave this to her would come to see her. He'd probably want to know it was okay. He would probably feel better if he got it back. He walked back by the trauma room.

They really had done what they could—she was critical and she needed surgery. There was bleeding in her abdomen and nothing short of opening it would be able to address that. The others were still working around her. There was a chest tube on her right side, broken ribs, and she definitely needed an orthopedic consult on her leg. That would have to wait though. She was being prepped for surgery, which for him meant waiting for their resident to get his ass down to the ER and another hour of waiting writing up the paperwork and the notes.

Normally, he would be the one to tell the family about the prognosis, that depending on where the bleed was the only way to predict prognosis. He would tell them that the longer she was unconscious, the greater the risk would be for injury to her brain. He would tell them that her other physical injuries would continue to heal. The attending physician, king of the trauma unit, grabs the chart and stares at it, pulling together what he'll tell the family and friends.

They already knew the press was here—anytime they had the press the hospital became a high security prison. Patient's right's dictated that no one speaks about the injured officer, but public interest in the story didn't die until the full details were out. It was a delicate balance best left to the family. He couldn't wait for them to show up so they could make the decisions.

The two of them stormed down the hall as the Attending fires off questions. When he's satisfied he knows all the answers he swings the door open to the small family waiting room that's overflowing with cops.


	9. Big Brother

**Big Brother**

Elliot held Alex close to him. The doctor placed the final stitch in his head and with his signature on a series of forms; he was released to the waiting room.

Alex held onto him like he was a life vest. He was worried about her. He wasn't used to her desperation. He had gotten to know her much better—the last year, he had spent a lot of time with Olivia and Alex. While at first, he hadn't been quite sure, he had seen how happy Olivia was with her, and he couldn't deny that she had a gentle calming influence on his partner. Since Alex had come into Olivia's life, she was a much happier person.

Olivia's work had always been important to her, but Elliot sometimes thought that she used it as a shield. He wasn't different, but he knew well that sometimes it saved her from facing herself. She didn't have to look at her loneliness. She didn't have to face the fact that she had no family. She didn't have to face the unhappy consequences of her childhood. She didn't have to face the failure of her relationships. By throwing herself into her job, she could do exactly the opposite of what she encouraged the victims to do—she could stay numb. There was always someone else, something else to feel for. Injustice could be railed against, and fought, and believed in, and it left her from feeling empty, like and shallow.

Elliot knew she found moments of happiness and he didn't think she was a miserable person, or even truly depressed. He just felt like she substituted her work for fulfillment in other areas. Her relationships were at arms distance and besides him, she had no one. And then there was Alex.

Alex had changed that for her. Alex had gotten her to talk and she had started to open up. She smiled easily. When Alex was around, she giggled. He had never thought that was possible, but he had seen it with his own eyes. She was a different person, a new person, a happier person.

And then this had to happen.

He held onto Alex, trying to give her back some of the strength that she usually had. She as usually full of fire, full of life, but right now, she was a mere shell the person he knew. He knew that Olivia and Alex had a special relationship with each other, and while he realized how much Olivia needed Alex, he never thought that Alex would need Olivia anywhere near as badly.

She held onto him like he was a lifeline, and he supported her. He wrapped his arm around her and shielded her from others, let her tears fall against his chest, and whispered to her that it was going to be okay, something he didn't fully believe himself.

They wandered back into the waiting room to find everyone still in separate groups. Elliot looked down at Alex. Her face was pale and her eyes were red. He wanted to protect her for Olivia. He wanted to take her into his arms like one of his children and tell her it was okay. He wanted to protect her because he knew that Olivia would do the same for him if he needed her.

He sat Alex down in a plastic chair and he stood in front of her protectively. She collapsed into herself, her body shaking, but entirely silent. "I'm going to get you in there." He said rubbing her shoulders.

Alex took a deep breath but that didn't make the tears stop. She realized that people were looking at her—she knew that no one in this room understood her reaction. No one here realized that her world was closing in around her. They believed that she and Olivia were friends—maybe close friends, but had no idea the two had been lovers for nearly a year. That their lives were inexorably intertwined, and this wasn't the way she wanted any of them to find out.

The doctor walked into the room. Alex looked around nervously for Elliot. God damn it. She hated to feel it, but she needed him now. It wasn't like her, but she had grown to rely on him—to trust him. She took a deep breath, determined to get her balance back. She closed her eyes for a second and fought for her equilibrium.

"You are here for, an, Olivia Benson?" The doctor announces in a low tone. All the heads in the room turned towards him, and carefully, Alex pushed herself out of her chair. Elliot held her under her arm at first, but he let go quickly. As she stood on her own feet, she felt more confident.

"I need immediate family only." He says, and the room suddenly felt oppressive. Alex wondered if time stopped in the room for everyone or just for her. She felt her whole body freeze and the air suck out of her lungs. She felt like she was choking. Elliot stepped behind her and held her shoulders. She felt him push her forward as he led her to the man in the white coat. She felt a mixture of relief and like she was going to see her executioner.

"They don't know," she whispered to him while he stepped in behind her.

"Do you want to see her?" He asked.

"Yes." She said, her breath catching in her throat.

"Then they're about to find out." He answered.

With a deep swallow, Alex took a step forward with Elliot a step behind her. They met in the front—Alex slowly reaching to take Elliot's hand.

"What the hell is she doing?" Fin asks from behind. He understood where Elliot was coming from, but Cabot?

"I think we're about to see." Munch answered with a bemused smile on his face.

"I'm her partner." Elliot says.

"So am I," Alex whispered. She took a deep breath and looked around her. The secret was out. What would happen would happen. But then she saw the confusion on everyone's faces, and she realized that no one understood. The doctor stood baffled in front of them, an eyebrow raised.

"So you're a trio?" The doctor asked.

Her face blushed a bright red. "No," Elliot said. "They're…" His voice dropped off.

She couldn't understand why this doctor didn't understand. Then it came to her. He thought she meant like Elliot. Or that Elliot means like her. She searched for a word that would make it clear but for once her words fail her. She can't come up with the one that sums it up correctly, one that doesn't seem wrong in this moment, one of forced confession. Instead she searched desperately through her purse, showing him would be easier than telling him. "I love her." She whispered. "We had this drawn up," she mumbled, searching for the paper. "It's a hospital visitation authorization."

The paper in her hand made her feel more confident. It was concrete. It spelled out everything. She remembered going to sign them with Olivia, who was worried that if something should ever happen to Alex that she wanted to make sure she could sit by her bedside. Alex had only vaguely thought that she would ever need the one Olivia signed for her. She scolded herself for not being more thoughtful about it now. She was glad Olivia had thought about it instead. She wondered if Olivia had always known she would be the one who needed it after all.

She handed it to the doctor and waited while his face changed into a smile of comprehension. Elliot pushed her forward so she stood in front of him, in front of all of them. The doctor handed the document back to her. "Miss?"

"Cabot."

"Miss Cabot, It's smart of you to have done this, but it's not necessary in the city. We recognize your rights here as a lesbian couple." Alex thanked God for the recognition, she didn't care that he had said it so loudly that people in the next state could have heard him. She just cared about Olivia.

"Great," Alex managed, pushing him out of the room, her hand locked with Elliot's, desperate to find Olivia, leaving everyone behind them open mouthed.

To Be Continued…


	10. Lebanese

Lebanese

"That guy said lesbian, right?" Fin asked, the shock of the confession that Alexandra Cabot had made still fresh in the room.

"It wasn't Lebanese." Munch said with a sarcastic flair that only he possessed.

"And that was Alex Cabot?" He asked, unsure.

"Yes it was." Munch confirmed.

"Alexandra Cabot. The one that works with us?" Fin asked.

"Very same."

"The ADA?"

"In the flesh."

"And she wanted to see Olivia?"

"Uh huh."

"The one that works with us?" Fin asked.

"Benson, very same."

"And Stabler." Fin said, turning around.

"Indeed. The one that works with us" Munch said, crossing his hands behind his back and foregoing the repetitive question.

"He went in there, right." Fin asked, pointing to the door.

"Yep."

"With Cabot."

"Already established."

Fin paused as his mind spun. "Did he look surprised to you?" Fin asked.

"Not even a little." Munch answered.

"So that bastard knew." Fin said shaking his head.

"Would appear so." Munch shrugged.

"Did you know that they were?" Fin asked, looking into Munch's face to read the answer there before the older man could answer.

Munch shrugged. "Did you?" he asked.

"Not a god damn clue." Fin said, shaking his head.

"Me either."

"It explains the breakfasts."

"And the lunches and dinners." Munch added.

"That woman's spent a lot of money on food for us." Fin said, thinking back to the number of meals he had on Alex Cabot's dime.

"I thought we were just doing real well. It's disappointing to know we weren't the object of her affections."

"Apparently, we've been paying with nature's credit card."

"Liv must be good." Munch said.

"Don't go there old man. I don't want to think about Olivia paying that bill." Fin said.

They looked at each other, and then around the room. There were some shocked faces, the people who had been close enough to hear the exchange and others who were scratching their heads without the benefit of the words. The tension in the room was high, but slowly, people started to move again. Conversations restarted, and the shock that Alex Cabot and Elliot Stabler had left behind them began to be discussed, rationalized, and contained. They were lucky that everyone in the room were friends and not foes. While they knew the gossip train had been set into motion, they knew the likelihood of an immediate all points bulletin were relatively low. Both of them sat back, got comfortable, and prepared to wait.

To Be Continued…


	11. Critical

**Critical**

The doctor pulled Alex and Elliot into a small room outside the trauma room. "Detective Benson is in critical condition."

"Can I see her?" Alex said, softly.

"Yes," the doctor said, reaching out for her arm, "Very briefly. Listen, Miss Cabot, she suffered some severe injuries." Alex could feel her body starting to shake. She wasn't used to this feeling—this new senses of weakness that was part of each moment. There were so many things in this setting that she had no control over. She wasn't used to this, and she hated the dread that overcame her as the man in front of her spoke.

"She's going to be okay, though, right?" Elliot asked.

"It's going to be touch and go tonight." The doctor sighed.

Alex took a deep breath. "You mean…"

"There's not a precise course, I'm afraid." The doctor said.

Alex turned, holding tighter to Elliot's hand. She let him put his arm around her. She felt his strength in the absence of Olivia's. "So, what's going to happen?" Elliot asked.

"There's bleeding in her abdomen," He explained as he led Alex and Elliot to a white X-Ray box and put a copy of a scan onto it. "These spots represent pools of fluids that shouldn't be there. We need to open her abdomen to identify the source of the bleeding immediately. Unfortunately, right now, I can't make guarantees. "

Alex shook her head with tears in her eyes. "Can I see her?" She asked again.

"Yes, but you only have a minute. They're going to be transferring her to surgery. You can see her before they take her. You'll only have a few seconds."

Alex could feel herself losing her sense of reality. She knew there were a million questions she should be asking. There were a million things she needed to know to make the right decisions, and to know that Olivia was going to be okay, but she couldn't form any words.

The doctor nodded. "This way," he said, as he walked with her slowly down the hall, he turned and looked at Elliot. "Sorry, trauma is one at a time. There won't be time for both of you."

Elliot nodded at him and stood back in the hall. Alex stared at him with a look of desperation while he gave her his most reassuring smile and shook his head. He watched as she looked back over her shoulder at him as the doctor led her down the hall.

"When you see her," the doctor says to her, ignoring, "There's going to be a lot going on all at once. She's attached to a lot of machines. We're going to be moving." He says, as he takes Alex around the corner. "Right this way," he said, gesturing her to one of the curtained off beds.

Alex took a deep breath and turned the corner. She was determined not to cry, not in front of Olivia. Not now and not ever. With the bravest face she could muster, she stepped next to the bed. She could hear machines all around her and she wondered how many of them were keeping Olivia alive. She could see the ventilator tube in her mouth, and she shivered. Her body was hidden beneath a blanket and even though Alex knew better, Olivia looked especially small. Alex bit her lip. She could see nasty bruises forming on Olivia's right arm, and on the side of her face. Her big, strong, healthy detective looked more like a broken rag doll.

Moments of their lives together came flashing through her head. She remembered the first time she had sat in her office, her pulse pounding when her cell phone rang and Olivia's number showed in the caller ID. She remembered picking it up and telling the detective that she was ready for their first dinner together. She remembered her excitement, and most importantly, she remembered Olivia's smile and her glowing eyes.

She remembered the times they had sat around their apartment and done nothing at all. She thought about Olivia driving her insane by flipping the channel on the T.V. every ten minutes as if Olivia had a sixth sense for when something had captured her interest just enough to warrant the topic change. She remembered the way Olivia had laughed at her when she had told her that she could cook. She remembered the way Olivia held her hand when they went to the movies when everything went dark. She remembered that Olivia liked to take her to see horror films and she liked the fact that somehow, it was always Olivia squeezing her hand too tight and not the other way around.

Alex frowned as she got closer, the ghostly glow of Olivia's skin contrasted against the white of the blanket in a sickly way. She wanted to see the healthy glow back, the way Olivia's skin flushed when she was embarrassed or the way her skin glowed in the cold, anything. Now, she looked lifeless except for ugly bruises that dotted her body. Olivia's chest moved gently up and down, and Alex took comfort in watching that movement. Every breath meant Olivia was still in there…somewhere.

"Hey baby," Alex whispered.

Alex leaned over her and looked at her arm, and IV line taped into her elbow. Alex was afraid to touch her. She was afraid that she might be able to break her--that just a light touch and she would shatter like glass. Alex slowly extended her hand and touched Olivia's fingers. They didn't move; didn't respond to her at all. The surgery team was descending upon them. They had moments left.

"Olivia, I'm here with you." She whispered. "I need you to come back to me." She said, reaching out for Olivia's hand as they started to pull her away.

"Her blood pressure's dropping," she heard someone yell. She tried to follow them but a hand clamped around her shoulder.

"They have to go," the doctor said softly into her ear.

Alex couldn't breathe. She didn't know what she would do if Olivia decided to stay away.

To Be Continued…


	12. Mr Alexander Stabler

Mr. Alexander Stabler

Steven Johnson walked through the trauma room with a stack of paperwork he needed to finish before his night rounds could finally be over. He pulled up a chair to the nurse's station and slunk down into it, picking up a pen and preparing himself to re-decipher his notes and write orders for all the patients on his rotation. He opened the chart for the new trauma patient. Olivia Benson, the woman with the ring. He looked up from his seat and he could see someone was with her. She was already gone, must have been cleared for surgery.

He frowned. If she had family, they'd probably be in the ICU waiting room and not out in the ER. They restricted access back there, so it was immediate family only, shouldn't be hard to find him back here. He pounded his pen for a moment, and decided the worst thing he could do was ask. He grabbed the property bag and walked over to the room.

He stuck his head in the door and found two people—a guy and a girl who were comforting each other, both staring at walls while they dealt with the demons in their own heads. He had seen the same look on so many faces. One of the two was the blonde. He recognized her from the picture in the victim's wallet. He coughed just loud enough for her to hear him. "Hi, I'm Dr Johnson," he said.

Both Elliot and Alex jumped. Even though he had tried his best, he still hadn't permeated their deep level of meditation. "I'm sorry, sorry to bother you." He stammered.

"No, no, it's okay," the blonde lady wiped a tear from her eye. She crossed her arms over her chest, and turned to him. She tried to smile, but her eyes were red and it was obvious that she had been crying.

"I'm Dr Johnson, you're family of Olivia Benson?" He asked, scratching his head and holding the property bag loosely in the other hand.

Alex looked up at him with a question in her eye, before sighing. "Yes." She started to stand, and Dr. Johnson shifted. He put his hand into the bag and drew out the little box.

"Look, I don't mean to be forward, but I'm looking for her fiancée. I'm guessing that's you, right?" He asked, looking at Elliot. The man was attractive and he could easily see him with the woman he had treated. He looked strong and he also had the faraway look in his eyes that came from someone who loved and lost.

"Excuse me?" Alex said, looking at Elliot, and then back at the young Doctor.

"I just want to give you the ring we found." He said, stepping towards Elliot, holding out the black box to him. Elliot looked at him confused, his mind processing in slow motion. He knew that he hadn't given Olivia a ring box. He couldn't remember where he had seen it before. He tried to remember.

"Who are you?" Alex asked, confused. The doctor they had seen earlier had been so much older.

"I'm Dr Johnson, who are you?" He asked, pointing at Eliot, who seemed to be confused. Dr Johnson started to worry when he didn't take the box immediately with a happy face.

"Elliot Stabler," Elliot said slowly.

"Alexandra Cabot," she said quietly at the same time. "Do you have an update for us?" She asked hopefully.

The doctor looked at her, and then at the ring in his hand, and then back at her while he processed. "You're Alex." He said, slowly.

"What?" Alex asked.

"You're Alex," he said again.

"People call me that," She said, confused. "What does that have to do with…?"

"I have this," He said, quietly, deciding.

Alex looked down at the box in his hand confused. She had never seen it before. "What?"

"It's what was on her. I mean, usually we'd wait for her to wake up, but, because of the value."

"What?" Alex asked again, perplexed at what Olivia was carrying around with her that had a monetary value.

And with that, Dr Johnson handed Alexandra Cabot a small black box.

To Be Continued…


	13. Pop Quiz

**Pop Quiz**

In a moment, the doctor who handed her the black box was gone. She stared at it, feeling its weight, and considered its possibilities. It was a jewelry box. Her heart was pounding in her chest. Why had that guy called Elliot Olivia's fiancée? What was in this damn box? Alex looked at it, appraising its contents without opening it. There was an explanation. Her birthday was over. Christmas was ten months away. The last time she checked, she didn't get presents on Memorial Day.

Alex looked at the box in her hand and then at Elliot Stabler. Immediately, she knew that he knew more than he was saying. He looked at the floor, the wall, and at anywhere else that wasn't her eyes. She watched as he uncomfortably rubbed his neck, and then stared into the floor with an intensity she had not seen from him in her recent memory.

"What is this Elliot?" She asked, deciding to take the direct root with him. It was so obvious he knew and she was emotionally drained. She didn't want to dick around with him right now.

He didn't speak. Instead he ran his hand over his head and held his neck while he stared at the floor. He took a deep breath and then let it out. Then he slowly raised his eyes from the floor, looking at her for the first time. "It's really something between you and Liv."

"Elliot," she said, quietly. "Please."

"It's a present."

She crossed her arms in front of her. "Elliot." She said, warning him.

"She bought it for you." He shrugged. "It's kind of self explanatory."

"I want to know what it is." She said again.

"Alex." He said. "You know what it is."

Alex thought about it. She did know what it was. Or at least, she knew what she hoped it was. She knew that the idea that Olivia may have been planning a future for them was beautiful. But now, standing here, she also found it crushing to know that it could all be taken away from her in a second. "Should I look," She asked him.

"She," he sighed. "She really wanted you to have it. She really wanted…" his voice cut off and he put his head down, "she was going to give it to you." Was all he could manage.

Alex sat down and looked at the box in her hand. She could feel herself shaking.

"What is it, Elliot?" She asked quietly.

"Alex," he said quietly.

"What is it, Elliot?" She asked again. She could feel her whole body tremor.

"Open it." He whispered.

She stared at the box. "I don't want to."

"Then don't ask me to tell you." Elliot answered. He didn't want to be the one to do it—he didn't want to ruin the surprise or the sentiment.

Alex looked at the floor, staring into the same tile that Elliot found so fascinating. "It's an engagement ring, isn't it?" She asked.

"Yes." He said in a whisper.

"Why?" She asked.

Elliot looked at her curiously for the first time. How could she not know the answer to that question?

"What do you mean?"

"Why?" She said again.

"She," Elliot looked at the ground. "She never wanted to be without you Alex. She wanted to be with you forever."

"So this was?"

"She wanted to marry you. She wanted to have you forever. Your promise to be with her forever."

"She didn't know she already had me?" Alex asked, sadly looking into the box.

"I think she did, Alex. But, she wanted you to know you had her too."

Alex stared at the box. She loved Olivia Benson more than anything in the world, but she knew this wasn't how she was supposed to get this. No one was supposed to get a ring in a hospital waiting room, and she wasn't supposed to be proposed to by her lover's best friend. Not while she waited to find out if the love of her life lived or died. She wrapped her fingers around the box slowly and handed it to Elliot.

"When she wakes up, she'll give it to me if she still wants to." She says with a brave smile she didn't quite feel.

"I won't tell her you've seen the box." He says, with a sigh, shoving it deep into his pocket.

"The box is a symbol," Alex sighed, "It's the sentiment I pray I get to hear."

To Be Continued…


	14. Superman

**Superman**

Hours passed. "What could be taking so long?" Alex asked, as she paced the seven foot room again.

"They're doing what they can," Elliot said, "Maybe no news is good news."

"I know, Elliot," She said, trying to not let her eyes tear up again. She was frustrated with him, and herself, and the lack of information she was getting. She wanted to be in there. She wanted to be useful. She wanted to do something.

She wanted her will alone to be enough to pull Olivia back from wherever she was. She looked into the hall, and sighed, no one was in sight, just like every time she had checked the hall in the last several hours. There was no urgent news; there were no important updates.

There was nothing.

She was pretty sure she had cried more in the last eight hours than she ever had before in her life. She refused to do anything else but sit and wait, now impatiently pace the room, worrying herself into a horrible frenzy. Elliot sat with her. He had left only once. He had brought them both food, but Alex couldn't stomach it. She had only picked at it, staring at it as though it was something she had never experienced before. Elliot tried to talk to her. He tried to rationalize with her. He tried to explain to her that Olivia was strong, and that she was a fighter, and he promised Alex that she was worth fighting for.

He begged her to sit. He begged her to try to calm down. He tried to get her to close her eyes, but he realized it was hopeless. She couldn't stop pacing long enough to listen. And when she stopped moving, she would sob, a horrible deep guttural sob that wracked her body and unsettled his soul. The sob was blame and he couldn't take the sound, so he let her continue her pacing, while he tried to focus on calming himself.

They stared at each other for a moment and then looked away. Alex continued to walk, wrapping her hands nervously in each other. She hugged herself, and then would straighten her arms. She bit down on her lip, trying to make lists of possibilities. The possibilities were getting worse as she let her brain work. Alex hugged herself again and continued her frantic pace.

"Alex," Elliot sighed. "Come on, you need to relax."

Alex sighed heavily staring at him. He reached out his hand to her. Reluctantly, she took it and slumped into a chair, feeling the exhaustion in her body but knowing she couldn't sleep. Her foot immediately started dancing on the floor as her anxiety worked its way out of her body through her constant movement. She caught the necklace around her neck, the one that Olivia had given her. She started to play with it, running it over her chin absently, while she focused on what was happening and what was not.

Alex closed her eyes. In the first time in a long time, she found herself praying to a God she had long ago written off. Suddenly, she found herself wishing that an all encompassing being that was the universe would take pity on her and for one minute, show her mercy and save the love of her life. She knew that she had no right asking, and she knew that believing at this hour made her a hypocrite, but she needed to know that she had tried. She needed to ask any God that would listen.

Elliot had taken care of so many things for her, things she had found herself suddenly, uncharacteristically unable to do. She didn't like herself like this. She hated feeling like she relied on someone, like she needed the help of anyone, let alone a man, to keep her together. But Elliot had been there for her. He had talked to Cragen, and answered the questions about Alex and Liv's suddenly public relationship.

He protected her, like she knew he would have protected Kathy. Like Olivia had protected him before. Cragen has spun into damage control, trying to save Alex from the press, and protected Olivia's privacy from the prying media frenzy for information about an injured cop nearly killed by a drunk driver. Like a little girl, she let her head rest on Elliot's shoulder, while he held her hand and whispered soothing words in her ear. While her tears continued to fall quietly, Elliot held her together.

Each time a nurse walked by, she prayed for them to provide any flicker of good news. Instead, when she they would pass by without comment, she felt the lack of hope fill her soul. Each one cut into her stomach and left her feeling empty. Each flash of hope made her realize that Olivia might not make it. She could die here, in this hospital tonight.

Tears started to form in the corners of her eyes which she frantically wiped away. If she could stop them from falling, she could make this entire thing stop. Elliot stood and reached for her, and he held her to him. In his mind, each tear she shed was another indictment against him. He felt the intense guilt of being the one who made her cry. He was the one that made his partner lay unconscious in the next room. He was to blame. It would always be his fault.

He made a promise to himself. He would always take care of Olivia, they both knew that. But today, in this hospital waiting room, he added to that. He would always take care of Alex Cabot. His best friend's future wife would be his responsibility too and like her protected Olivia Benson, he would protect Alexandra Cabot until the end of his days.

To Be Continued…


	15. Waking Up

**Waking Up**

Dark.

Floating neon blue squares and fluorescent pink circles floated behind her eyes. The patterns were addictive. She thought about watching them forever, but her body wanted more. Green circles embraced the blue squares, hugging orange triangles into white balls of light.

She couldn't feel anything but a happy hazy warm feeling. The kind of feeling she felt when she drank one too many and was a little past her limit but not quite stumbling drunk. Pieces peeled back, like the skin of an onion, each layer revealing a cleaner, clearer layer.

Her foot.

It hurt, she thought, or maybe it didn't.

Where was her foot, again?

She had one, or two?

Two she thought, as she tried to remember, something that seemed hazy and difficult, when she knew that it shouldn't be.

Her chest hurt too. Breathing in and out, each breath drew a wisp of pain, still covered under the haze, but still enough to make her realize that consciousness was seeping back into her body.

The worst pain she felt by far was centered behind her eyes. It was a shooting pain, irritating. She wanted it to stop.

She wanted it to stop.

She wanted to tell someone to make it stop.

Her eyes flickered open.

She looked at the ceiling above her.

She didn't know that ceiling.

Slowly, she wondered where the hell she was.

She tried to move her head, but there was so much pain. Her whole body rocked with it, and her open eyes only made it worse.

She closed them.

She waited.

She opened them again. This time, the pain was there, but she could see something. Blurry images.

Things were moving. The tiles. The confusion. Her eyes closed again.

The third time, she heard her name. Her eyes opened and she looked for what happened.

How did they know her?

Where was she?

Her eyes were blurry.

Nothing. Nothing looked familiar. She felt them grabbing her toes.

She wanted to scream at them.

She wanted them to leave her alone.

"Grab my hand," someone said, and she did.

Maybe she was dead.

Her eyes drifted closed.

And then open. One blink. Two blinks.

The face of an angel.

Blonde hair. Blue eyes.

Alex.

She smiled.

She tried to talk.

"Alex," She whispered in her own mind, her mouths moving to words that her body didn't produce.

Alex reached out to her. "Shhh," she whispered. Don't try to talk baby. You were in an accident. You and Elliot."

Elliot.

Oh God.

What happened to Elliot?

"He's okay," she said quickly.

Thank God.

"He's fine. You know how hard-headed he is." Alex joked.

She smiled.

Olivia doesn't remember what Alex is talking about anymore. She's just so pretty.

Against her will, her eyes shut again.

She hopes that her angel will be there when she wakes up.

To Be Continued…


	16. Regrets

Regrets

Alex felt like she was a permanent resident of the hospital waiting room. She knew the number of tiles on the floor (56 full tiles, 15 half tiles). She could tell you the change of shift times. The nurses from the ICU all knew her name and when possible, would let her stay beyond visiting hours, holding Olivia's hand . She was turning into a fixture, like a lamp, or another one of the beat up magazines from five years ago, of which she had read, and re-read all of them.

Elliot had finally dragged her out of the waiting room after a week. He convinced her that she would be far more help if she was coherent, instead of nodding off in a chair like she had been. In his house, she crashed into his daughter's bed. In a room that was too pink and purple for her liking. It made her feel outside like the little girl she felt like inside.

She stared at the ceiling felt guilty for not being at the hospital.

There was a world of things she felt guilty for.

She felt guilty because she was not the one hurt. She would switch places with Olivia in a minute. The physical consequences of Olivia's injuries weren't clear yet, but none of them boded well for her career. No one would make promises but neither of them was stupid. Olivia knew her body well and Alex could see the haunting fear that was in her eyes.

She would do anything to see the pain wiped off Olivia's face every time she moved. She would do anything to make it stop. Olivia was brave. She was the bravest woman Alex had ever known, but to see the tears of pain form in Olivia's eyes crushed Alex. The pain had to be mind numbing for Olivia to shed tears. It made her sick to think about it.

She felt guilty because that night, before Olivia had left, when they said their "I love you's," she hadn't turned her head away from the TV. She had been sucked into the cooking channel, something Liv called "food porn". She had kissed Olivia absently over the couch, because Liv was late, and she was distracted. Like always, Olivia was searching for some piece of clothing she swore had been "right there" only moments before. She rolled her eyes while Olivia shouted to her from the other room.

"Did you check the drawer?" She yelled back.

"It's not there." Was the impatient reply

"Did you check?"

"Yes!" came the impatient response.

"Check the drawer, Liv!"

"Oh, found it! Never mind! Thanks Babe!" She yelled back as Alex heard the drawer slam shut.

Alex sighed. She felt guilty she hadn't gotten up to look herself.

She felt guilty that she hadn't kissed Olivia and told her how adorable it was that she could be so forgetful at home but so sharp at work. She felt guilty that even though sometimes it exasperated her, it was one of Olivia's endearing features and she had never told Olivia that. She felt guilty because the reason Liv was running late that day was because they had been making love. She felt guilty because the last time they had made love, Olivia had made it all about her. She felt guilty for being selfish. She felt guilty because Olivia wasn't.

She felt guilty because her last thought of Olivia before she had picked up the phone had been, "I hate you." She felt guilty because she would do anything in the world to change that thought, and take that moment back.

She felt guilty because if she could turn back time she would pick up Olivia's shoes every day for the rest of time and never complain again if she could take away those last five minutes.

She felt guilty because she took comfort in Elliot. She felt guilty because she had let him support her, and she felt guilty that she was in his house, taking advantage of his time. She felt guilty for needing someone to support her. She felt guilty for being needy when she should be nothing but strong for someone who needed her so badly.

She felt guilty for being scared. She felt guilty for being hopeful. She felt guilty for feeling guilty. She felt guilty for a million reasons.

And those reasons flowed through her as she drifted off into a fitful sleep.

To Be Continued…


	17. Repeat

Repeat

Olivia Benson opened her eyes. She felt the pounding pain, still present in her body, but this time, she remembered where she was. She was in a hospital. They had told her that before. She felt like they had told her a lot of things before, but some of them were fuzzy. She tried to look around. There was the ceiling she had seen a million times before. Last time she woke up, Alex had been there. She hoped…

She tried to turn her head to look. Her neck was stiff, it was strange. She felt like she had been hit by a train. Maybe she had. She was in the hospital. She reached out for Alex. Maybe she was here. In a moment, she felt a hand in hers. It was soft and warm. Olivia's fingers felt cold and the warm hand brought life back to them. Alex, she thought. At the thought of Alex, she wanted to smile.

"Hi, sweetheart," Alex said, with a smile, leaning over the bed. Olivia looked over to see her. She smiled at the bright blue eyes and the blonde hair leaning over the bed. Alex looked tired, her eyes had dark circles under them. Olivia frowned. "How are you feeling sweetie?"

Olivia looked at her, her eyes blinking as she tried to evaluate what Alex had said to her. Her brain was processing so slowly, she knew that she wasn't doing it right, but she couldn't put a finger on what was quite wrong. "Alex." She whispered.

Alex leaned against the bed. "That's right, sweetheart." She said. "I'm Alex. Do you know where you are?" She asked

"Hospital," she whispered.

"That's right, Liv," she cooed.

"What happened?" Olivia whispered quietly.

Alex tried to maintain her smile. This was the part Olivia never remembered. They had this same conversation every time her eyes flickered open. The doctor had told her that between the morphine they were giving her for her pain, and the general confusion of waking up after an accident it was common to have some short term memory loss.

It was frightening for her; scary that Olivia could ask the same questions over and over, and each time be entirely surprised by the same answers. As much as she had wanted to believe that Olivia would open her eyes and be normal, she had to slowly start to admit that it wasn't going to work that way. At the same time, looking around the ICU unit, Alex was thankful that it wasn't more that Olivia had lost.

"You were in a car accident, Liv." Alex explained patiently.

"Was anyone else hurt?" Olivia asked quickly. Alex stared at the floor. It was the same question Olivia asked every single time they had this talk. It showed her selflessness and her big heart, but Alex hated the cosmic truth of the situation—that no, no, Olivia was the only one who had crawled away broken.

"No baby." Alex says quietly. She squeezed Olivia's hand and gave her a brave smile. Olivia closed her eyes for a moment, evaluating her body. She could feel pain; she could feel things that weren't right. She opened her eyes.

"What happened to me?" She asked quietly.

Alex sat down on Olivia's bed. She leaned into her so she was sure Olivia could see her eyes. "You got hurt." Alex said, slowly. "You had surgery on your leg. It was, broken, um, and they had to fix it." Alex stuttered. "And you have some broken ribs."

"I can feel that," Olivia said. Olivia tried to adjust herself, and Alex could see the pain flash in her eyes.

"One of them punctured your lung, they had to put a tube into your side, and you, lacerated your kidney. They thought they would have to remove it, but they managed to save it. You got lucky. " Alex said.

"God," Olivia mumbled. "No wonder I feel like shit."

"You, you also hit your head. Pretty hard. You, you really scared me Liv." Alex said.

"Why?" Olivia asked.

"We didn't know what was going to happen. You could've…" Alex let the words die on her tongue too afraid to speak them out loud.

Olivia saved her. "But I didn't."

"I'm glad." Alex said, leaning over her, putting a light kiss on her cheek. "I love you, Olivia."

"I love you too, silly." Olivia said, blushing at the sentiment.

"How does it feel to know you're stuck with me?"

"Amazing." Alex squeezed her hand.

Sweeter words had never been spoken.

To Be Continued…


	18. The Champ

Champ

"Hey, there, Champ." Elliot said, as he walked into the room. He scanned it quickly, looking for Alex, who had become a part of the room. She was here whenever she wasn't at work. Elliot was surprised she had returned to her job at all. The news of her and Olivia's relationship was a hot topic in the halls of justice. Alex had gone back at Liv's insistence. Elliot could tell she was miserable at work. She did what she was supposed to do, but her passion, her life went into thinking about and being with Olivia. So, instead, of just one Alex did two jobs. Attorney by day-- caretaker by night. She brought her case files with her to the hospital and completed the paperwork while Olivia slept. She went home only when the nursing staff threw her out, and was back first thing in the morning before court. Now that Olivia had been downgraded from the ICU, the visiting hours were far less strict, and the two of them had become constant companions.

"What's up Bronco," Olivia asked, rolling her eyes at him.

"What'd you do to Alex?" He asked, looking around the corner expecting to see her sitting in the corner.

Olivia smiled and looked at the empty chair. "I sent her home. She was starting to stink."

Elliot laughed. "It's about time someone told her. I'm surprised you could get her out of here."

"She needed a nap. She had stuff at the apartment she had to grab, and then she was going to get me some dinner that didn't have fruit suspended in it. She'll be here later." Olivia shrugged pointing to the jell-o bowl in front of her, pushing it with a spoon and shuddering as it wiggled.

Elliot shook his head. "You're spoiled, Liv." He said and she smiled.

"I'm definitely not complaining."

"I'm kind of glad I picked tonight then. I came down here because I have to talk to you."

Olivia looked at him. He had worry in his face, something that she could tell from knowing him for so many years. "What?" She asked, her mind flashing through a million things he could need to tell her, none of which she'd want to hear.

"What do you remember about the night this happened?" He asked, pointing to her.

"I don't want to hear you blame yourself, El." She said.

"I don't." he said, haltingly telling both of them that he did. "What do you remember?" He asked again.

"Not much, Elliot. Why?" She sighed. She had this talk with so many people. Internal affairs had come by, but she hadn't been able to tell them anything. Alex carefully probed around the topic, never asking outright, but making it clear she was interested in whatever memories Olivia actually had. Alex had told her the story in the first place—the accident, the drunk who hit them. She had shown Olivia pictures of the car, and Olivia had known immediately that it was a miracle that she had survived at all. She had talked it to death. It was probably lucky she didn't remember, she didn't want to start now.

She had a feeling that Elliot would blame himself. She was ready to hear his confession if she had to, and as always she was also ready to absolve him of his guilt. Accidents happen. Even if she didn't remember the precise course of events, she was sure that Elliot had not put her in immediate danger on purpose. They would never do that to each other.

"Do you remember what we were talking about before it happened?" He asked slowly.

"I don't remember anything really Elliot. Not anything substantial. It's kind of like my brain was wiped clean for the whole time before this happened. Why?" She asked, perplexed. What could they possibly have been talking about that was something he wanted to resolve now? Anything that happened then was a lifetime ago.

"Do you remember this?" He asked, pulling the black box out of his pocket.

She stared at it. A tiny black box, it looked like it would hold a ring. She tried hard to remember. She felt emotions about it—happiness. Contentment, but she couldn't figure out why. If the ring was hers, she didn't remember where it had come from. The harder she tried to place it the more of the memory slipped away and she cursed herself for not being able to remember more.

"What is it?" she asked quietly.

Elliot slowly opened the box to reveal a diamond solitaire. It was stunning. Olivia tilted her head and looked at it. "You proposing to me, El?" She asked, with a sad smile, seeing the disappointment in his eyes that she didn't remember.

"No," Elliot said, expectantly.

"Then?"

"You were proposing."

"To you? Good thing we were in that accident then, saved me from making a huge mistake." She quipped, her humor her best attempt to cover for not remembering.

"Cut it out Liv, I'm serious. You weren't proposing to me. You were proposing to Alex."

"I was…"

"You had just bought this. We were talking about it that night. You showed it to me. You told me that you were going to do it the next day, and then this happened."

"Wow." Olivia said, staring at the ring.

"Yeah." He said, holding it out to her.

She took it from him and stared at it.

"You were real excited about it, Liv." He watched her face as she stared at the ring, and he felt disappointment as he tried to read her face and decided it wasn't excitement he saw there but a mixture of confusion and fear.

"So should I, you know, do it now?"

"Only if you mean it. I mean, if you don't want to do it, you shouldn't."

"I know Elliot."

"I can hold it." He said, quickly, putting his hand out for the ring. "If you want to think about it. Or you want me to just keep it safe."

"Can I keep it?" She asked him.

"It's your ring, Olivia." He said, sighing.

"I know."

"But don't do something you'll regret."

"I don't think I'd regret it, El." She said, examining the ring closer. With a smile, she snapped the box shut and started making her plan.

To Be Continued…


	19. Diamonds and Promises

Diamonds and Promises

Olivia waited for Elliot to leave before taking out the ring.

Slowly she opened the box and smiled. Carefully, she extracted the ring and held it in her hands. She twisted it and turned it. She looked at it from every angle and read the inscription. She ran her fingers over the words inscribed in the gold, "Forever, Alex." She watched the diamond sparkle in the light. She held close, slipped it on her finger, took it off, put it back on, and flipped it over. She weighed it in her hand, and clasped it holding it tight into her chest.

She really liked it. She had never felt such an emotional tie to an object before.

In her mind she could see it shine on Alex's finger and she liked the symbol. She could imagine promising Alex her undying love. She could see them, warm sunshine in Alex's hair, Alex promising to love her. She could see herself lean in and kiss her. She liked the idea that everyone would know that she was spoken for.

She absolutely hated it when men hung on Alex's every word with their tongues hanging out. It wasn't quite jealousy. Okay, yes it was. It was 100% bona fide jealousy. She didn't mark her territory or anything, and she trusted Alex with all her heart, but she couldn't stop her face from burning when a guy would flirt with Alex right in front of her.

Once, a guy had asked Alex out, slipping his phone number to her while Olivia was right there. Alex had turned it down, reached for Olivia holding her close, and told him that she couldn't possibly be more satisfied. Of course, she couldn't help but love it, but it still drove her mad. But nothing put her more at ease than the way Alex looked at her, the intensity of her blue eyes when she said "I love you." The thought of it sent shivers up her spine.

When she was sure she had examined the ring from every possible angle, she slipped it back into the box and stared at it from there. She looked at it praying to remember the day she bought it. She prayed to remember the conversation with Elliot. She thought she remembered parts of it. Maybe. She thought that she remembered her internal debate. She could almost feel the sureness she had felt when she made the decision in the first place.

Elliot had told her the whole story. He reminded her of the way Alex made her feel. He helped her focus on her feelings, something neither of them were particularly good at. He didn't want her to rush into anything. He was sweet sometimes. She smiled wistfully. Too bad sometimes he was such a dick.

She didn't have to search her heart for her love for Alexandra Cabot. It wasn't just about marking her as taken. The love for Alex had bubbled right to the surface the minute she had woken up. Opening her eyes to the blonde hair blue eyed woman had made her feel calm. It wasn't another nightmare.

And after waking up to Elliot's face one too many times, it was a nice change to have someone there for her. She was happy to have someone who was there not out of a mix of obligation and fidelity, but someone who was there for nothing more than a deep respectful love.

She knew that she loved Alex Cabot. She loved her more than she had ever loved anyone before. She rolled her eyes at her own thoughts. She sounded like a stupid teenager, but the love was different. It wasn't just a mutual attraction, not just sex, or great conversation. They seemed to complement each other in strange ways. Sometimes Olivia felt like Alex was the other half of her soul, and she wondered how she had made it so far in life without her.

This ring.

This promise.

She could do this. She could ask Alex to do this. She could make the promise.

She thought about what it would be like to propose. She looked down at the splint on her knee, and could feel the tenderness of her stitches. So she wasn't getting on her knee anytime soon, she sighed. Traditional was out. She thought, though, that Alex might say yes. There might be something there.

Maybe she should try.


	20. Quiet Time

Quiet Time

"Come on, Allie, please?" Olivia asked with puppy dog eyes. She had been begging for what seemed like forever. Alex stared at her with disbelief in her eyes, like she had asked for a strip tease in her hospital bed. All Olivia was asking was for her to cuddle up next to her, only for a moment. Olivia missed the feeling of Alex's softness rested against her.

"Olivia, I'll kill you." Alex said, appraising the size of the bed, the size of the space, and the fragile nature of her girlfriend's body. She was determined not to get on the bed. More than anything, she was afraid of hurting Olivia. She spent all her time around Olivia being as gentle and careful as she possibly could. She stayed away from Olivia's whole right side, her damaged ribs, the ugly incision on her stomach, and her shattered leg. The pain that Olivia suffered was always present in her mind, and she was determined not to be the cause of it. She couldn't stand it if Olivia sent her away because of something she had done.

"No, you won't, come on." Olivia asked, as she closed her eyes and moved her body another quarter of an inch to the right. "See?" Olivia said, pointing to the six inches of bed on her left.

Alex laughed. "Right."

"Please." Olivia whined at her.

"You know I'm not supposed to be on your bed." Alex said, with a frown.

"It'll make me feel better," Olivia said with a smile. And those god damn sad eyes, Alex thought to herself. She knew that Olivia could get away with anything with those eyes.

Alex sighed. She knew that Olivia had her. She slipped off her shoes and leaned gingerly onto the edge of the bed. "Okay, I'm on the bed." Alex said, her feet still firmly on the ground.

"Come here," Olivia said, opening her arm, coaxing Alex to pull herself all the way onto the bed.

"Liv," Alex warned her, shaking her head.

"Please?" Olivia asked again, cocking her head just a tiny bit to the right making her eyes even bigger.

Alex pulled herself onto the side of the bed so her feet were hanging off the edge of the bed and stared directly into the floor. "Happy?" She asked.

"Come on, Alex." Olivia cooed. Alex looked at her and then the space at the bed. She sighed, and pulled herself onto the bed. "See? I told you you'd fit," Olivia smiled. "You're little."

Alex couldn't help but be happy that Olivia was smiling. "I'm not little." Alex said. Even though she was afraid to hurt Olivia, she couldn't deny it felt good to be by her side. Alex nervously pushed her hair behind her ears, carefully putting her head on the pillow and letting Olivia put her head on her shoulder.

"I like feeling you next to me." Olivia said quietly.

"Me too." Alex whispered.

"Alex?" Olivia asked.

"Yeah?"

"Talk to me."

"About what?"

"Anything."

"I don't know what to say."

"Then read to me, I just want to hear your voice." Olivia said, closing her eyes.

"Read to you?"

"Yeah."

Alex looked over at the small table next to Olivia's bed, one that she had covered with books. She knew better than to think that Olivia had opened one of them, but she thought she should provide an option other than the blaring TV that was her twenty four hour companion. She picked one of them up and pretended to blow the dust off.

"I'm not that bad," Olivia said laughing.

Alex smiled and opened the book to the first page. "Are you sure you really want me to do this?"

"Yeah," Olivia said with a smile, putting her head on Alex's shoulder. Alex turned her head and placed a kiss on Olivia's forehead.

"Okay then." Alex said, as she folded the cover back and started to read. Alex smiled as Olivia's head leaned onto her shoulder.

"Alex?" Olivia asked, quietly, interrupting Alex's quiet pace.

"Hmm…" She asked.

"Do you love me?"

"That's a silly question." Alex said.

"No it's not. Do you love me?" Olivia asked again.

Alex turned so she could see into Olivia's eyes. "I love you more than anything." Alex said, leaning over and putting a kiss on her cheek. Olivia smiled and nodded. "Do you want me to?" Alex said picking up the book. Olivia nodded and put her head back on Alex's shoulder.

"Alex?"

"Hmmm…" Alex asked, putting the book down again, looking into Olivia's eyes.

"You know I love you too, right?"

"Of course." Alex said.

"Okay," Olivia said, putting her head back on Alex's shoulder.

"Anything else?" Alex asked.

"No." Olivia said, quietly.

Alex picked up the book and started to read. She smiled to herself. She loved the way Olivia's mind worked sometimes. The way that Olivia could make her feel with just three magic words was unparalleled. She couldn't imagine…

"Alex?" She heard Olivia's voice whisper again.

"Yeah babe?" Alex said, putting the book down. "Do you want me to stop?" She asked.

"No," Olivia said, "But I wanted to know something."

"What?" Alex asked.

Olivia snuggled her head onto Alex's shoulder. "Can you help me get up?"

"For what?" Alex asked.

"I want to ask you something."

"Ask from there." Alex said, rolling her eyes.

"It's not the same." Olivia warned.

"Olivia." Alex warned.

"Fine. I wanted to know if you'd marry me."

"You wanted to know what?" Alex said, quietly.

Olivia took out the small black box that Elliot had given her. She smiled and turned her head to look at Alex. "I wanted to know if you'd marry me? See, it would have been better if I had been on my knees…of course, I don't know if I could have ever gotten up again." She said, again, swallowing hard, her mouth suddenly very dry. She could hear herself rambling but she couldn't stop.

Alex looked at the ring, and into Olivia's eyes, and back to the ring. "Shhh…" Alex said, quieting Olivia with a gentle kiss. "Yes," she whispered.

Olivia smiled, pulling the ring out of the box and carefully slipping it onto Alex's finger. They kissed each other lightly—a promise of a future that had only slightly been delayed.

To Be Continued…


	21. Refusals and Deceptions

Refusals and Deceptions

"You don't understand Elliot, I can't right now," Olivia moaned. She held her hands over her eyes; her head pounding with a pain she never thought was possible. More than anything, she wanted him to leave. Elliot always pushed her. He helped her be better than she was, and he knew what her limits were. Both of them did a delicate dance with each other, pushing and prodding until both of them performed at their ultimate potential.

Today, she wanted him to stop yelling at her. She wanted everyone to stop wanting her to do things. She was exhausted, and in pain, and she didn't know anymore how to say no because it had never been something she had ever needed to do. She had always been the first one to volunteer. She had been the one to put herself out there. She had been the one who could do anything and protect anyone. She looked at Elliot and his infuriated expression, and then over at Alex and saw the heartbreak in hers. She had always been able to keep up, keep her and everyone else's equilibrium and she hated it that suddenly she suddenly felt that she couldn't.

"You know, you're not going to get out of here until you comply," Elliot said, standing in the corner of the room, staring at Olivia with challenging expression. He watched her face for signs of his challenge there. She wouldn't look at him. She wouldn't communicate to him what was wrong, and he felt himself want to push her even more.

"She doesn't have to," Alex said, quietly, holding her hand her back to Elliot, and her deep blue eyes staring down at Olivia with a worried look on her face. There was something more to this, something more than Elliot saw. She could feel it. Maybe he didn't but Olivia's refusals sent up red flags. Olivia wouldn't say it, not out loud and never to him, and maybe never to her but there was something definitely wrong.

"Come on, Alex. Stop babying her." Elliot said, angrily, looking at Alex, but saving most of his rage for Olivia. Alex turned her head and gave him a sad expression that made him feel ashamed. His anger was a tool, but Alex didn't understand. He focused back in on his target.

"She's not babying me." Olivia said. She wanted to throw things at him. She wanted him out so it would be quiet. She wanted him to shut up.

"That's what it looks like from over here." Elliot said snappishly.

"You have no idea what this is like." Olivia whined, catching herself.

"Olivia, what I know is that you are not going to get out of here unless you complete the physical therapy. Whether you want to or not. You think they're going to release you back to work if you can't walk right? The Olivia Benson I know wouldn't pull this shit. She'd be down there fighting for this."

"Maybe I'm not that same person." She said quietly.

"I can tell." Elliot said, cruelly.

"Why are you being such a dick?" Olivia asked him. She knew the answer, she didn't have to hear him say it.

"Because you're not a quitter." He could feel his blood boiling.

"I'm not quitting." Olivia said.

"You're giving up."

"You're not the one lying here." She said, regretting it almost as soon as it came out of her mouth.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Elliot knew what it meant immediately. It was her indictment. It was exactly what he suspected the whole time. That she knew, just as he did, that this whole thing, this whole accident was his fault. If he had looked, if he had stopped, if only… His anger was no longer at Olivia Benson, but at himself. Blood roared through his ears as he felt the need to pound his fist through the wall.

"Nothing Elliot."

"No, you need to tell me what it means." He said, feeling himself bear his teeth like an animal.

"Elliot, just, please." Alex said, stepping between them. Elliot glared at Olivia, but softened when he saw the distress clear on Alex's face. He felt for her—felt for her gentleness. He felt for the way she was handling what was a difficult situation and handling it as well as she was.

"Fine," Elliot fumed. "You call me when she grows up." Elliot said, looking at Alex with sympathetic eyes. He turned around and stormed out of the room.

Alex turned around and walked slowly back over to Olivia's bed. She slid herself up onto the bed, next to her girlfriend. "What's wrong sweetie?"

"Nothing, Al." Olivia said, quietly. Alex could see the anger flash behind Olivia's eyes, but just as quickly as it was there, she could see it disappear. Almost immediately, Alex could see tears threatening to form in the corner of Olivia's eyes. She had seen her fight with Elliot a million times before. Both of them could act like overgrown children--breaking down into shouting matches and name calling. Never once had she seen Elliot make Olivia cry.

"There's something wrong, Liv. This isn't like you. Please talk to me."

"I'm not me anymore." She said quietly. Olivia took a deep breath. She looked into Alex's blue eyes. She didn't want to hurt her anymore. Olivia could see the disappointment that was there. She could see Alex's hurt each time she failed. Everything had been going so well. "It hurts," she whispered.

"I know, sweetheart." She said, quietly. "But this therapy, you need it to keep you strong." Alex said with a sad smile. She knew what it meant for Olivia to admit weakness. She leaned over and kissed her cheek.

"No, Alex. Not the physical therapy."

"What?"

"My head," She said, rubbing her eyes. "It's, it, hurts so bad. It's like the worst headache I've ever had."

"Liv, how long as this been happening?"

"Since yesterday?"

"Why didn't you say anything?" Alex asked. She couldn't help but keep the scolding tone out of her voice, even though she regretted it immediately.

"I thought it would stop." Olivia shrugged, as if that explained everything.

"Olivia," she said with an exasperated sigh. "You can't do that. You have to be honest. We have to have the doctor…"

"Alex," Olivia said, quietly, "I just want to get out of here. I want to go home."

"I want you to come home, but I want you to come home healthy." Alex said.

"That's overrated," Olivia moaned. "Can't you just get me some painkillers or something?"

"Yeah, Liv. I'll just walk out to the nurse's station and ask them for a big handful of Demerol. And when they ask me why, I'll just say they're for?" Alex hated the sarcasm in her voice, but she also hated the ambivalence in Olivia's.

Killing pain?" Olivia offered.

While Olivia laid asleep in her bed, Alex would sit next to her googiling possible outcomes for people who were involved in car accidents like hers. She had found horror stories—from people who never woke up, to people who functioned fine for awhile and then died spontaneously. Every single moment she stared into Olivia's chestnut eyes she wondered what was going to happen next. Was this the moment that a blood clot deep in her vein would rocket forward and lodge itself in her brain, taking her forever? Could she be the one who had a spontaneous brain bleed? What if she was misdiagnosed? The TV played shows constantly about people with horrible conditions, and she was so afraid that their search, her new life with Olivia, would always start with the night of the accident.

"You know you can be impossible." Alex sighed. "You need to have a doctor evaluate you. And you need to complete your P.T. And…"

"Okay, okay, can you just help?" Olivia asked, the tears returning to the corners of her eyes.

"Yeah, of course." Alex said. "I'll do anything." And Alex, absolutely, 100%, truly meant anything.

To Be Continued…


	22. Consult

Consult

"Why isn't he here?" Olivia asked.

"I don't know sweetie, I'm sure he's on his way." Alex said, with more patience in her voice than she felt. Today was the day they would get the results from the very quick neurology workup they had given Olivia after she had reported her headaches. Alex hadn't liked the looks on the faces of the medical staff as Olivia described the shooting pain behind her eyes—the way it started with a flash of light and a wave of dizziness. They had given her the workup, rechecked her original CT's, and with a lot of consultation had told both of them they would talk together about what they had found.

The fact that they had found anything made Alex nervous. Olivia was already having a hard time dealing with the injuries they had already diagnosed. The fact that she wasn't out of bed and 100% her own self three days after the accident was driving Olivia crazy and having any kind of setback was definitely not in her plan. They had been able to give her painkillers that had numbed her pain the night before, and Olivia had drifted into a silly sleep.

Alex smiled in spite of herself, she couldn't really help it. Olivia was cute high. Not that she would admit that to anyone, ever. Olivia giggled and laughed, her smiles were refreshing and had even made Alex feel more relax.

Alex still felt betrayed that Olivia hadn't told her about her new symptoms. She wondered what else Olivia was keeping from her. How many times had this already happened? What other symptoms was she hiding? How could Alex ever trust she was really okay? It set off in Alex every over protective mother instinct she had, and when that happened, every self preservation instinct in Olivia clicked on. The two were very messy bedfellows.

Alex could hear Olivia's deep breath as the doctor stalked into the door, chart in hand, reading it as though he had not done the tests himself.

He shook her hand and smiled at Olivia.

"I'm not going to lie to you," The doctor said, standing at the end of the bed. Alex and Olivia looked at him, and Alex wondered if Olivia felt as small as she did. Not for the first time since this whole experience had started, she had felt entirely incapable of being able to help. "These new symptoms are not a good sign."

Alex could feel Olivia's hand tighten in hers. "What does it mean?" She asked quietly.

"Look, when someone comes in with an injury as severe as Detective Benson's," he said.

"You can call me Olivia," she said, interrupting him.

"Olivia's," he said, nodding at her. "One does expect there to be some kind of injury to the brain. Your first scans at that time did not show a major brain hemorrhage. Basically, considering what you went through, your brain came out in pretty good shape. The problem is the brain is a very sensitive organ. Just because there wasn't an injury on the CT scan doesn't mean that there wasn't one there. Any type of trauma to the brain can result in injury. It appears that you have suffered a very common consequence that comes from traumatic brain injury, which is unfortunately headaches."

"So what can you do to cure them?" Alex asked

"There is no cure, per se." The doctor said.

"I can't…" Olivia started to say.

"There are things you can do to prevent them. And the good news is that they're likely to go away. If you still have them in two weeks, we'll have to talk. Until then, we should be able to control them here. We'll have to watch you though, with this kind of symptom, other things could develop."

Olivia tuned out at go away, but Alex Cabot heard every word.

To Be Continued…


	23. Chasing Answers

Chasing Answers

Elliot was on a slow mission to find Alex. Olivia had told him that she had said that she was going to grab food, and he had a pretty good idea of where. Olivia had told him that she was worried about Alex. Olivia told him that everything was going to be okay but that Alex wasn't happy with that and she didn't understand why.

They talked about work, only for a few minutes. He could see her salivating for details. Everything he gave her only made her seem more agitated to be lying in a hospital bed. Without work, their conversation fell into an easy silence, as they both took comfort in sitting together. With a sigh, Olivia finally asked him to go look for Alex.

Olivia was sure Alex had left to cry, something that she hated because for the first time in their relationship Olivia couldn't chase after her to give her the comfort and love she was so used to providing, even when she ran away. She felt so restricted, and when she was supposed to be there, she couldn't be, no matter how much she wanted to. She was always waiting for Alex to come back after finding her own comfort in the world.

Looking ahead, Elliot saw Alex leaning against the wall of a building right across the street from the hospital entrance. The tiny Italian place that she been living out of was overflowing, and he couldn't decide if she had actually gone in, or was waiting for the lines to die down before even attempting an approach. She didn't look like she was in any kind of hurry either way.

She was wearing sun glasses even though it was a dark gloomy day. He had noticed that she had been wearing them more and more recently and he wondered why, but never asked. He walked to her slowly, trying to give her time to recognize that he was getting closer. "Fancy meeting you here," Elliot smiled at her.

"How'd you know where I was?" Alex asked her head straight ahead into the street in front of her.

"Olivia told me. You afraid of the sun?"

Alex looked at him baffled.

"The glasses?" He said, "It's, uh, not very bright out here."

"Oh." She slowly pushed them off her eyes and looked at him. He could see the puffy redness of her eyes and he knew immediately why she was wearing them—to cover the tears.

"So, Liv said you were getting dinner." He continued, as though he didn't notice. Alex averted his eyes, knowing full well that he did notice.

"Waiting for it," Alex said, absently leaning against the wall.

"Outside? Isn't it a little cold?" Elliot asked, rubbing his hands together.

"Maybe." Alex said inhaling the freezing air into her lungs and watching her breath curl into the air. She liked the feeling. It made her feel real.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing Elliot." She said barely whispering.

"Alex."

"It's fine."

"Guess who you sound like now." He alleged, leaning against the wall next to her.

Alex took a deep breath and let it out. "She's been lying to me." Alex said intent on watching the air curl from her lips.

"About what?" Elliot asked.

"She'd been getting these headaches. She wasn't going to tell anyone."

"She thinks she can handle anything." Elliot said quietly. Olivia had told him the story.

"That's fine, El. She can handle anything. She wins."

"Obviously we both know that's not true." Elliot said quietly.

"What if that pain had been a blood clot that had ruptured and killed her, and she had all that pain and just didn't tell anyone?" She demanded.

"It wasn't."

"I know that now." Alex said. "But how would I have lived with myself if it was and knowing I stood by her every day and didn't see it."

"You're not an x-ray machine Alex." Elliot shrugged.

"But I'm supposed to love her. I'm supposed to be able to help her. And I can't. I look at her every day and I see the pain there, and I'm supposed to pretend that it's not there and smile. If I ask about it, she goes nuts."

"That's Olivia."

"I can't do it, though. I can't pretend that it didn't happen. I can't ignore the stitches and the bruises, because every time I see them I remember how close I was to losing her."

"Alex, you can't think about it that way.

"I can't help but think of it that way." Alex said, pushing the dark glasses back over her eyes as the tears started to form in them. "I wake up in the middle of the night, and reach for her, and she's not there, and I remember your voice telling me there was an accident, and I panic. I'm so sure she's already gone. And when I realize that she's not, I'm so grateful. I need her to be safe. I'm so scared of losing her."

"She's getting better."

"She's getting better without me. Without trusting me."

He threw his arm around her. "Loving Olivia isn't easy, Alex. Believe me."

"Love never is."

"You fell in love with someone who's fiercely independent. She's like, I don't know, a wounded bear right now. Sometimes you're going to be able to help and sometimes she's going to lash out at you."

Alex looked at him, and back at the street. "Why are you here?" Alex asked him, suddenly.

"Because, I care about you guys." Elliot shrugged at her.

"No, you care about her."

"Alex, look. We've become friends, right? And, in the hospital, I guess I just realized how much we have in common. There's no reason we can't support each other. Both of us are going through the same thing, kind of. We love her differently, but both of us need someone to talk to. I just thought, well, I thought I'd offer to listen if you wanted, knowing ultimately we both want the same thing."

"That's sweet Elliot." Alex said with a light smile.

"So, just, hang in there." He said, scolding himself for sounding cheesy. He looked at her and with his thumbs wiped the tears away that had snaked down her cheeks before hugging her tight to his chest.

To Be Continued…


	24. The Shower Scene

The Shower Scene

"Are you sure you really want to do this?"

"It's you or them. I would really rather it be you. And I really, really want this shower."

"Are you sure?"

"Allie."

Alex sighed. She couldn't Olivia's whine but she also desperately didn't want to do this. That's why there were professional's here. But she had let Olivia talk her into helping her and the nurses had actually okayed it. "Come on," she said, letting Olivia sling her arm around her shoulders, while she grabbed a crutch with the other arm.

Alex had been amazed how quickly they had moved Olivia out of bed. The morning after the surgery that had left her abdomen with an ugly eight inch zipper of stitches and staples, they had her sitting up. A physical therapist had been there working on bending her knee the night after her second surgery to fix the torn ligaments and stabilize the bone in her right leg. That night was the first time she had actually seen Olivia cry—the pain written on her face, she had squeezed Alex's hand. She had seen Olivia trying to wipe away tears, but she had let them fall as the physical therapist forced her knee to bend.

It was also the first time Olivia asked Alex to leave. As much as she wanted to, or as much as Alex wanted her to, Olivia couldn't share those moments with her. Her strength, her own self image, relied on staying strong and when Olivia had sent her out of the room, Alex had at first fought. The physical therapist had made her go, though. When she had been allowed back, she looked into Olivia's eyes and asked why, but Olivia wouldn't talk about it. She pretended to be happy and that everything was all right. Alex absolutely hated it when she acted like that, but she went along with it, willing to make peace for Olivia's sake.

The crutches that had come had been a mixed blessing. Olivia's mood had definitely improved since she could move herself around but she had no fear. Olivia was not afraid to be a daredevil and had more than once had gotten herself into a position she couldn't get herself out of. She wanted to be normal, and she refused to listen to her body when it begged her to stop. She had nearly fallen, and though Alex had been there to catch her, but now every time Olivia tried another daring stunt, Alex felt her heart in her throat.

Olivia talked about nothing else but leaving the hospital. She begged and begged and begged non-stop. The doctor's talked to her, explaining that she needed the extra time in the hospital to heal. The doctor's told her that because of the number of her open incisions and because of the extra needed physical therapy, she would be there longer than her own record time of ten minutes. Every time they said no, she was determined to go home sooner. And then the headaches had started and they demanded observation time. Olivia was going nuts.

Finally, they had given her a concession. She could take a shower with help. Immediately, Olivia latched onto the idea that Alex would do it with her. She hated the fact that the nurses were involved in everything in her life. If the nursing staff let Olivia decide, she would lick her own wounds in the corner and growl at them every time they came close.

She had begged Alex. Begged her. At first, Alex laughed at her. Then, she started to say maybe. Now, she was standing in front of Olivia with a bathing suit with a bathrobe wrapped around her like a life vest. It was her minimum requirements. She wasn't going to walk around naked. End of discussion.

"You don't want them to think you're going to get lucky in there."

"No one's getting lucky in there." Alex said with a stern face. Olivia smiled. She put her arm around Alex's shoulder, and Alex leaned hard into her. "Be careful," Alex said to her.

"I know," Olivia complained, blowing a strand of hair out of her eyes. Olivia focused on her balance. The pain in her stomach was intense. Every movement reminded her that someone had been in there poking around at her guts. As long as she could stay off her leg and she could keep her focus the pain wasn't so bad. She let Alex lead her into the bathroom, and happily sat down on the little shower stool that had been left there for her. Alex threw her bathrobe onto the sink and Olivia smiled.

"Where've you been all my life, sexy?" She asked, reaching out for Alex and pulling her body into her reach. Alex, temporarily off balance, yelped.

"Be careful!" Alex warned. Olivia rolled her eyes, and let Alex go. "I'm, I, sorry Liv. I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't, Alex. I'm not fragile."

Alex looked down at her girlfriend's body which was marked with stitches. She certainly looked fragile. Ugly bruises covered her body, not to mention the ugly red surgical incisions. It scared her. Every time she saw them it reminded her of how close she had been to losing Olivia. This was the first time she had seen them all, head to toe, and it looked like so many. Olivia had been crushed. Her body had literally been crushed.

Olivia sat pretending to be oblivious to Alex's stare. Alex had brought her real clothes to put on, and she was so happy to know that she was finally going to shed the gown she hated. Slowly, she leaned over sucking in the pain and ripped open the splint on her knee, throwing it to the side. The sound of it made Alex shiver.

"Liv, be careful." She warned, looking at the angry stitches that ran down the inside of her knee and her leg. It was still swollen and looked painful.

"I know what I'm doing Alex." Olivia sighed. She could almost bend her knee half way. She did it and stared at it. She could see the look in Alex's eyes and she hated it. She knew that she could handle it. She hated the pity she could see there.

"I don't think you're supposed to touch that." Alex said, as Olivia started picking between the stitches on her abdomen.

"Alex." She sighed. "Just turn the shower on." Alex sighed just as loudly and turned on the water. She adjusted it and turned around to face Olivia, only to see her picking at her stitches again.

"Liv, please. I don't want anything to happen."

"You are not helping." Olivia said, harshly as she grabbed the water spray from Alex, and doused her head. Alex sighed and picked up shampoo, rubbing it in her hands and then through Olivia's brown hair. "That feels so good," Olivia moaned.

Alex smiled. "Never thought shampoo could make you make that sound."

"Wait till you go without it."

"I thought we both were." Alex smiled at the double entendre.

"That's a whole different story babe. And you know, you don't have to…" Olivia smiled, wagging her eyebrow.

Alex rinsed shampoo from Olivia's hair. "No, Olivia." She said, firmly. "In and out."

Olivia frowned at her, but didn't reply. Alex could feel Olivia's shoulders relaxing as she let the hot water pound against them. Slowly, Alex took a washcloth and rubbed it over Olivia's badly bruised back.

"Harder." Olivia begged.

"Liv," Alex warned her.

"Please Allie." Olivia whined.

"Liv, you have bruises here. I don't want to hurt you."

"I know, Alex. I'm not stupid. I'll stop you."

"Olivia, come on. I really don't want to hurt you."

"You have a funny way of showing it." Olivia mumbled under her breath.

"Olivia."

"Alexandra." She said back in a mocking voice.

"What's your problem?" Alex asked her.

"You are." Olivia answered sharply.

"What?"

"Stop treating me like I'm going to break."

"I'm not." Alex said, surprise registering on her face.

"Yes, you are Alex."

"You have serious injuries. I don't want to make anything worse."

Olivia snatched the washcloth out of Alex's hand. "You're making this worse." Olivia grumbled.

"What?"

"Us."

"What?"

"Can't you hear Alex?" Olivia started to yell.

"Olivia," she whispered in a hushed tone.

"I am not a baby."

"I know, Liv, please," Alex said, desperately.

There was a knock at the door, "Is everything okay in there?"

"Yeah," Alex answered.

"No," Olivia answered in unison.

"Olivia." Alex scolded.

"Alex." Olivia mocked.

"Ladies?" The nurse called.

"You afraid they're going to hear." Olivia said, pointing out the door.

"I don't want to fight with you." Alex said, trying to remain calm.

"How noble." Olivia quipped.

"We're fine," Alex yelled to the nurse. Alex bit down on her lip. She didn't say anything else. "Fine, do it."

"What?"

"Whatever you want." She crossed her arms and leaned into the wall. She watched as Olivia struggled.

Alex didn't want to let the tears fall in front of Olivia--the tears she promised never to shed in front of her. She stepped out of the shower and dried herself off. She turned and waited for Olivia to say something. She watched as Olivia pushed herself off the seat, balancing precariously on one leg. She wanted to reach for her, to hold her up, but she didn't. She stayed back. Olivia turned to her and glared.

She blew her breath through her mouth. "Can you help me." She said rather than asked.

"To?"

"Get dressed." Olivia said.

"Tell me what you want me to do," Alex sighed. Carefully following Olivia's direction, she managed to get her back to bed, but the gnawing feelings didn't leave her. She felt so incompetent, like such a failure. Every time these fights happened, which was more and more often, she hated to admit, she was left with the deep sense of guilt. There was so much pain inside of her; she didn't know what to do with it or where to put it. No matter how many times she reached out or how many times she tried, it didn't work. She needed to talk, she needed someone who understood, and she knew just who that was.

To Be Continued…


	25. Soldier

Soldier

Alex helped her get into bed but Olivia refused to talk to her. Alex begged her with quiet eyes, but Olivia simply refused. She was too angry and now she felt humiliated on top of it because Alex had made her point and underlined it without saying a god damn word.

She didn't need help. She didn't need anyone. She never had, and now?

Needing Alex wasn't the worst thing that had ever happened to her, but she still didn't like the feeling of reliance. Maybe she wasn't being fair. Maybe she should re-evaluate. She looked at Alex and sighed. Alex was pulling on clothes like they were layers of armor, covering herself from Olivia's eyes. She had turned so her back was facing Olivia as she pulled on a sweater which Olivia recognized as her own. She hated it when Alex took her clothes without her permission. She was doing that more and more now, which was even more irritating. Olivia shook her head and resolved to be angry.

Alex stared at her with those blue eyes, and Olivia could see out of the corner of her eye that she was spinning the diamond ring on her left finger. That had replaced her nervous habit of playing with the necklace she wore that Olivia had given her. It underlined Olivia's suspicion that she did that only when she was thinking about them. She felt bad. She had made a promise. She knew though, that Alex had to understand. This wasn't about their love, this was about her pride. She just needed to get that.

Without speaking, without saying anything, Olivia reached over and picked up the iPod off the table in front of her. Plugging it in, she watched as Alex crossed her arms, and shifted her weight. She pushed it into her hears and turned angry rap music up to top volume. Alex hated this music and by the look on her face, she could tell that Alex could hear it. Good. She wanted it that way. When she could feel her blood pumping with a hot boil, she liked to plug into this rocking beat and angry tempo. While she may despise the images of violence, the angry words helped her settle her own.

She watched as Alex grabbed her coat. "I'll be back," she mouthed as she walked to the door with a frown on her face. Olivia leaned back into the pillow and closed her eyes.

She couldn't figure out why she was so angry. It would roll over her with no warning, with just the slightest provocation. Rage would flash, and then just as suddenly it would be gone. When Alex had walked away, quietly saying she would be back in an hour or so, Olivia smirked, the anger still there. A second after she was gone, however, a crushing feeling of depression fell over her.

She leaned into the bed and felt herself lose energy. Her whole body still ached, her incisions were itchy and while she had finally heard the word discharge come from someone's lips that weren't her own, she felt like Alex was trying to hold her back. Everything with her was a fight. If Alex had her way, she would stay in this bed for the rest of her life wrapped in bubble wrap eating pudding off a plastic spoon.

Instead of talking about it, the two of them had started sniping at each other. Well, Olivia admitted to herself, she had started to snip at Alex. Alex had begun to quietly accept it. And she was surprised how effective it was.

She hated herself for acting that way. She hated herself for every time she knew she had made Alex cry. Of course, Alex never showed her tears anymore, but Olivia knew her well enough to know that she wasn't going for a walk because she cared about her health. Olivia knew Alex needed a break from her.

Damn.

She felt the burning behind her own eyes and she wiped it away with the back of her hand. She was too strong for that. No matter how much weight her shoulders held, even if the weight crushed her, she would never give in. She was, as always, a soldier.

To Be Continued…


	26. Belated Apologies

Apologies

Dr Johnson leaned against the nurse's station letting the charts roll in a circle as he checked the names on the sides. He stared at them, waiting for the one he was looking for before snatching it out, opening it, and reading notes about blood pressures, temperatures, and heart rates. He checked his own notes before moving on to relatively normal progress notes, reading as he overheard the two nurses sitting at the desk gossip.

"You should have heard it," one of the nurses, Mandy, whispered.

"They were going to kill each other." The other, Natalie, returned, with a strange smile on her face.

"I feel bad for the blonde. What's her name is a bitch." Mandy grumbled.

"She's nice to me." Natalie returned with a smug smile.

"That's because you leave her alone." Mandy replied.

"Hey, why make more work for myself?" The second nurse laughed.

"Who you guys talking about?" Dr Johnson asked, even though he knew the answer.

"The lesbians." The Mandy whispered to him.

"They have names." He warned, with an eyebrow raised.

"And you're suddenly sensitive?" Mandy quipped, knowing that Dr. Johnson was probably the worst of the three of them.

"Yes. Well, no, but yes." Dr Johnson smiled.

"The blonde's kind of cute," Natalie whispered.

"You have no chance," Dr. Johnson smiled. He had seen the blonde break down over the brunette's injuries. He knew that she had eyes for no one other than Olivia.

Natalie sighed. "Oh I know. I saw them cuddling in bed together. They looked so damn happy. Made me sick."

"You came up here for a reason?" Mandy asked him, ignoring Natalie's confession.

"To check in on your 'lesbian', Olivia Benson," he said, looking down at the chart to find her name. "She was my patient when she came in. She was pretty banged up"

"You making house calls now? Weren't you the guy bitching the other day about how busy you were?'

"I'm taking an active interest in the recovery time of my patients." Dr Johnson said with a smile.

"No other reason?"

"Well, I wanted to see if they were okay."

"They?"

"I made a tiny mistake in the ER."

"What kind of mistake?" The nurse looked at him skeptically.

"Social mistake," Dr Johnson said, quickly. "When they brought her in, she had an engagement ring in her pocket inscribed 'Forever Alex'. I assumed that was for Alexander and I gave a guy waiting for her in the family room."

"There you go, presuming heterosexuality. Hetero-normative bastard." Natalie laughed frowning at him. "How many times do I have to tell you about that? Do we have to go through another seminar on cultural sensitivity for you to learn?"

"Yeah. I definitely got a lesson. And I shocked the shit out of the Alexandra." He said emphasizing the 'a'. "It took me about three seconds to realize that I needed to get the hell out of there."

"You've always been a heart breaker."

"Yeah, I'm going to try to make nice." Johnson said, as he smiled and walked down the hall. He knocked on the door of the room before sticking his head in. He looked into the dark eyes of Olivia Benson and tried to smile, but he was met with an angry expression.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Johnson. I was on the team that worked on you when you came into the ER." He said.

The angry expression broke, and she pulled herself up as straight as she could. He was impressed. It had to be incredibly painful for her to sit that way. "I guess I owe you a pretty big thanks," Olivia said with a smile.

"Eh. It was nothing." He shrugged.

"I know better, but I understand." She said with a knowing smile.

"Look, I, I wanted to apologize to you about the ring thing. If I had known…" He said, rubbing his hand against the back of his neck.

Olivia looked at him blankly, and only then did he realize that he had against all odds shoved his foot even further into his mouth. "What about it?" Olivia asked him.

"Oh, uh, nothing."

"Oh come on, you came in here for some reason."

"I, um, was going to apologize, uh, for, giving that ring, to, uh, your friend."

"Elliot?" She asked.

"No, your other friend."

"What are you talking about?"

"Alex."

"You, you couldn't have given it to Alex."

"Uh, I , trust me, I did. I just wanted to say sorry. I hope that everything turned out okay in the end though."

"It did." Olivia said blankly. "It did."

To Be Continued…


	27. The Listener

The Listener

Alex Cabot scanned the coffee shop for Elliot Stabler. She found him, sitting in at a table in the corner and she felt the sudden rush of security that he had come to represent in her life. Elliot looked up and caught her eye, with a smile he waved her over. She walked across the room ducking through the tables, getting closer to him with every step.

He stared at her as she walked across the room. She didn't look like herself—she almost looked sick. She was pale, her arms crossed in front of her which made her look small, and he immediately noticed the sunglasses. He had never noticed how attractive she really was until he noticed how Olivia's illness started taking away the things that had made her appear so healthy. She looked like a wreck, which only endeared her to him more.

"Hey Al," he said to her, giving her a big hug as she walked over to the table. She didn't say anything to him at all. Once she was in his arms, her emotions spilled out and tears filled her eyes. He frowned as he could feel her shake in his arms. "Hey, what's wrong?" He asked her gently.

"Nothing," she sighed. "I just wanted some company."

"Come on, Alex. Don't bullshit a bullshitter."

"I don't know what's wrong." Alex said, shrugging her shoulders.

"Let me be more specific then," Elliot said. "Why are you crying today?" He gestured for her to sit down, and she sighed, accepting his offer and sliding into a chair next to him at the little green wire table. He handed her a cup of hot coffee and she smiled at the gesture.

"I, I can't do anything right." She said, quietly. He frowned at her when she didn't take the dark glasses off.

"Come on, Alex." Elliot said, leaning back in his chair, slightly uncomfortable. "You know that's not true."

"It is, Elliot. I'm, I'm just not enough."

"Alex, you've been, amazing." He said, taking her hand across the table. "You already know that."

"No I haven't, El." She said frowning.

"Alex." Elliot stared at her, watching tears fall from under her dark glasses. He wanted to take her into his lap and hold her. For the first time in his life, he started to feel angry at Olivia. Why couldn't she see this? He wished that he could show her the hours Alex had sat by her bed while she was asleep. He wished that he could show Olivia the way Alex had cried that first night, as though her heart would explode. He wished Olivia could see the way her anger was hurting Alex now. Alex never showed this side to Olivia. Instead, Elliot held her and got to pick up the pieces.

"I can't make her happy." Alex sighed. She felt disappointment in herself that flowed deep in her veins.

"You know how Olivia can be." He sighed.

"No," Alex felt fresh tears running down her cheeks. "This is different Elliot. We could work this stuff out. We always did. But she, she doesn't want me around."

"Give her space."

"El, she begged me to be there. Begged and begged. And once I gave in nothing I did was right."

"If it makes you feel better, she doesn't like me either."

Alex smiled a weak smile. "It does a make me feel better that I'm not the only one."

"She does love you," Elliot said quietly, looking into her blue eyes.

Alex looked down and spun the ring on her finger.

To Be Continued…


	28. Truth Hurts

The Truth Hurts

Each time Elliot walked down the hallway, he felt brave. Right until he got to the doorway of Olivia's room and then all his bravado faded. He turned around, walked back to the elevator and practiced his walk all over again.

This is stupid, he thought. She was his best friend. She was his partner and he trusted her with his life, but he was afraid to talk to her about her relationship. He knew it was none of his business. He knew if Olivia had come to talk to him about Kathy, he would have been pissed, but he was also sure that Kathy wasn't sitting in Olivia's apartment every night crying her heart out. And while he was fully aware of his and Kathy's tentative cease fire, he knew that Alex and Olivia were on incredibly shaky ground, and he wasn't sure that Olivia knew it.

He had finally decided that something had to be done, for the sake of his best friend.

He stood outside her door, taking a deep breath. He took the first step and walked through the door. Olivia was sitting in her bed, playing with a Gameboy that Alex had gotten her. There wasn't anything that Alex hadn't provided Olivia. The table next to her bed was overflowing with gadgets and books. Things Elliot had never seen before that now Olivia claimed she could never live without. When he had brought Dickie and Elizabeth by, at Olivia's okay, they almost fell into kiddy techno comas when the two of them saw some of her gear. It broke down to the three of them fighting each other via some kind of three way Gameboy showdown while Elliot stood in the corner watching with mock disgust.

Her expression was one of intense concentration, and he cleared his throat to make sure she heard him coming.

"Hey Champ," He said, as he walked into the room.

"Elliot." Came her cold reply.

"How's it going?"

"Good." She said, still not looking up at him.

"Good game?" He asked.

"Yep."

"Can I talk to you?"

"Go ahead." She said, without putting the game down. Elliot sighed and sat in the chair.

"I'll wait till you're done."

"Gonna be a long wait." Olivia said.

"Oh for Jesus sake," Elliot said, standing up and grabbing the game out of her hand.

"You can't do that." She cried at him.

"Oh, come over here and stop me." He said, feeling like a child.

She crossed her arms in front of her chest and pouted. He looked at her and started to laugh, which only made her angrier. "I'm sorry," he said, gasping for air. "I really wish you could see yourself."

She frowned at him even harder. "It's not funny Elliot."

"Liv, seriously." He said, tossing the game at the foot of her bed, still frustratingly out of her reach. "I came here to talk to you."

"I don't want to talk to you."

"Then leave." He said sitting on the bed.

"I can't."

"Then I guess you're listening, huh? So what'd I do to you today?" Elliot sighed.

"Alex knew about the ring." Olivia said, with a dark stare.

"Uh, no she didn't." Elliot said, trying to decide how it was she could have possibly known. There's no way that Alex would have told her. That kid?

"Really Elliot? You sure you want to do that." Olivia said with a mean look.

"Liv, look," He said, rubbing the back of his head.

"I can't believe you lied."

"It was a harmless lie, Liv."

"No, El, it wasn't. That was super important to me. She knew the whole time."

"She didn't know . She wouldn't look at it."

"But she knew it existed."

"Yeah, Liv, okay, fine, she knew about the box. It was something that kept her together. That night, knowing that you wanted to commit to her? That was one thing that made her smile, but she wouldn't even think about looking at the ring until she got asked by you. So yeah, she saw the ring box. You win. But whatever you did to get her to wear it? That's what mattered to her."

"So you lied."

"Look, Olivia, this is exactly why I came here."

"What?"

"Alex."

"Leave her out of this."

"I can't anymore, Liv. You can't."

"Huh?"

"She's breaking. All this macho bullshit you pull? All this I don't need anyone? You're really hurting her."

"She hasn't said anything to me." Olivia said, looking him in the eye.

"Because she's been telling me." Elliot shrugged.

"You and Alex are hanging out?" She asked. So that's where Alex was going when she walked away.

"No, Alex is crying and I'm trying to convince her that you don't hate her."

"Of course I don't…"

"Liv, I can only imagine what you're going through. I know this has to be hard. I know what work means, and your freedom means, and everything, but you've got to cut Alex some slack. She loves you so much and she needs you to," He tried to plead with her.

"Elliot, don't lecture me okay. I know her a little better than you."

"I don't think you do right now." He said, sadly, as he turned around and walked away.

To Be Continued…


	29. Release

Release

"I get to go home." Olivia smiled. Nothing that happened could possibly be wrong today, unless she didn't get to leave the hospital. If anyone tried to step in her way though, they would have to have a death wish. She was going home, and she was more excited than she had been in a long time.

"I know babe." Alex said, smiling. She was happy to see Olivia so happy. Their relationship had been strange over the last few days. Olivia's mood ran from between euphoria to depression and switched on a moment by moment basis. Alex had decided it was because of how badly she wanted to be out of the hospital, and she was relieved that they would get some kind of semblance of normalcy.

"I get to go home, I get to go home, I get to go home," Olivia said, nearly bouncing on her bed.

"Yeah, sweetheart, you may have mentioned that." Alex said, laughing.

Olivia continued happily bouncing while Alex pulled together the last of Olivia's cards off the wall.

"Hey Alex," Olivia called.

"Hmm?"

"I get to go home."

Alex laughed. "It's going to be a long day with you, isn't it?"

"Yep!" Olivia smiled.

"What do you want to do first?"

"Go home."

"Yeah, besides that." Alex smiled.

"I want to watch you cook." Olivia said with a smile.

"Okay," Alex said with a smile.

"And I want to lay on our bed together."

"Okay," Alex said, walking over to her. Olivia grabbed Alex around the waist and pulled her close.

"I love you Allie." She said quietly.

"Love you too, sweetie." Alex smiled back. "I'm glad I get to take you home with me."

"I'm glad I get to go home."

"Really," Alex laughed. "I didn't really think you wanted to go. You've barely said anything about it." Alex leaned her head in and touched her forehead to Olivia's.

"I do," Olivia said, tilting her head and kissing Alex on the lips.

Alex pulled herself back and smiled.

"What's wrong?" Olivia asked.

"Nothing," Alex asked, turning back to the wall behind her.

"Yeah there is Alex."

"No, there's not."

"You don't want to kiss me." Olivia said, quietly.

"Liv, that's not true."

"Yeah it is. You pull away."

"Liv, I," Alex said, quietly. Slowly, she turned. She took a deep breath and looked at Olivia. "I love you so much. You have to understand though. I'm so scared."

"Of what?"

"That, we'll, that I'll, I'll, that, we'll get, involved, and I'll hurt you."

"For the love of God Alex," Olivia sighed, immediately hearing her own words and trying to adjust her anger.

"See, every time I try to talk to you about this, you act like this." Alex said. Her frustration was bubbling to the surface even as she tried hard to push it back down.

"I, I don't mean to Alex. I don't like of you thinking of me as weak." Olivia said, looking away from her.

"I don't think of you as weak." Alex said, "I think you're the strongest bravest woman I know. I see you, every day, how much you fight, and I don't want to add to that, Liv." Alex whispered to her, reaching down and holding both her hands.

"You don't, Allie." Olivia said, reaching for her again, pulling her into a tight hug. "You make it better."

"Thanks," she whispered. Alex smiled a wistful smile. She could hear the words, but after being pushed away one too many times she couldn't believe their meaning.

To Be Continued…


	30. Needy

Needy

"Come on Al," Olivia said flopping down on the bed, smiling a huge smile as she stretched herself out. "I don't think I'm ever eating again."

"That's what you said after lunch."

"You've got to stop feeding me like that. I'm not going to fit in my pants when I go back."

"Eh, I think you'll be okay," Alex said, crawling next to Olivia onto their bed, gently letting herself curl around Olivia's good side.

"This feels so good." Olivia smiled, wrapping her arm around Alex.

"I know," Alex said falling into her arms happily smiling.

"There's enough room for both of us. I love being here with you, Alex." Olivia observed.

Alex smiled and looked into her eyes. "I love you being here too. I've missed you." Alex felt the familiar rush she was used to from staring at Olivia. Even watching her in profile the bruises were faded, and if she trained herself, she could ignore them. The stitches were gone, so when she rubbed her fingers over Olivia's stomach, she could only slightly feel the raised line where her incisions had been. If there wasn't a knee brace and crutches, in the dark, there would be no reminders.

Olivia turned her head and caught Alex's blue eyes with her dark brown ones.

"I love you," Olivia said quietly.

"I love you too."

Olivia leaned into her and kissed her gently on the lips. Alex happily accepted. Their kisses quickly became deeper and Alex carefully pulled herself up onto her elbows so she could have better access to Olivia's mouth.

Alex pulled her head back. "I've missed you so much." She whispered. "I've missed this."

"Me too," Olivia whimpered, desperate for Alex's lips to return to hers.

Alex reached out putting her hand gently on the side of Olivia's face, tracing the line of faded bruises on her skin. "You're so beautiful." Alex whispered to her.

Olivia blushed. "Shhh…kiss me." She whispered.

Olivia reached towards Alex rolling gently onto her left side so she could face the blonde. She reached her fingers over to touch her waist. She stopped kissing her and watched her hand as she gently ran it up the curve of Alex's gentle waist. She could feel Alex's skin react to her touch, and she smiled. Both of their eyes met again and the kisses resumed.

Alex felt intoxicated by the feel of Olivia's lips on hers. She desperately tried to push closer, and smiled when Olivia pushed her onto her back and leaned over her dropping kisses on her face. Alex closed her eyes and relished the feeling. She let herself go, forgetting everything except what it felt like to be loved by this woman in this moment.

Olivia pulled at the buttons of Alex's button down shirt, opening the first few slowly and smiling as she exposed the fair white skin underneath. Olivia smiled, as her stares brought color to Alex's face that ran down her neck and into her chest. Olivia kissed the line of her shoulders, looking into Alex's blue eyes and for the first time in her recent memory seeing a true honest beautiful smile there.

"Are you happy?" Olivia asked her.

"Very," Alex said. "Lay back," she whispered. Slowly Olivia turned over and lay on her back. Alex tucked her head into Olivia's shoulder and slung her arm gently over her abdomen. She slipped her fingers under Olivia's shirt and ran her fingers over Olivia's tight stomach. She carefully let them dance over her incision. "I could stay like this forever," Alex smiled. The deep heady aroma of Olivia's scent filled her head and she flashed herself back to all the times she had felt safe just like this. She had known in those moments that there was nothing that could hurt them, but that was before this accident.

Alex kissed her softly again. She felt good just knowing that her Olivia was back. She needed this feeling, the warm cozy feeling of Olivia's breathing next to her. She needed to hear her, and have her, right there. She needed to know she could kiss her and love her, and there wasn't going to be a nurse, or a doctor, or anyone else to interrupt them.

She started to feel hope. Maybe this wasn't as bad as she thought. Olivia's mood was so much better since she had been home. They were finally getting along. She could see shimmers of the life they used to have, and she loved it.

To Be Continued…


	31. Swings

Swings

Alex sighed as she walked into the apartment. Evidence of Olivia's path of destruction was all over the floor. "Liv?" She asked, praying the answer came from the bedroom, where Liv was supposed to be resting. Instead, the answer came from the kitchen. She sighed wondering what was facing her this time. She hated being a nanny, but she also hated the fact that Olivia didn't take care of herself. Considering how badly Olivia wanted to go back to work, one would think she'd be more careful. Alex dropped her briefcase with a heavy sigh. Trying to get Olivia to follow doctor's orders was like getting water to flow upstream.

"What are you doing?" she asked, as she walked into the room.

"What?" Olivia asked. Alex looked at her, shaking her head. She was standing in the kitchen, using her braced leg as she walked gingerly across the kitchen.

"You're not supposed to be walking on that." She said pointing to the splint, crossing her arms across her chest preparing for the onslaught.

"Oh for Christ's sake, Alex. It's fine. It doesn't even hurt that bad." Olivia answered trying very consciously not to limp, but knowing that she wasn't entirely successful.

"Olivia, if you want it to heal right,"

"Alex, shut up." She snapped.

"Olivia?" Alex asked, surprised at her sudden anger.

"What?" She asked frustrated.

"I'm just trying to help you." Alex sighed. She rubbed her temples as she watched Olivia continue to walk around.

"I don't want that kind of help." She complained.

"Liv," Alex said, as she tried to step closer to Olivia who leaned herself against the counter. "Come on," She said, reaching her arm out to give Olivia support and get her to the table.

"Get away from me! I don't want a mom, Alex. I know what I'm doing." Olivia said pushing her back.

"Fine," Alex said. "I won't mention it." Alex said, turning around and leaving the kitchen.

"Great," Olivia said, as she walked carefully back across the floor. The angry thoughts flew through her head. She slammed her fist down on the counter, and she heard Alex gasp in surprise. That sound, the sound of Alex's fear made it all drain out of her. Slowly, she turned around and looked at Alex. "Baby, let's not fight." She whispered.

Alex looked at her with surprised eyes. She was used to Olivia's temper—not her apologies. "Okay," she said slowly, not sure if this was a trick or the truth.

"I just wanted to surprise you." Olivia said, with a real smile.

"With?"

"I made dinner." She said with a proud smile.

Alex looked at her skeptically. "You made dinner."

"Uh huh." Olivia said with a smile.

"You." Alex, said, pointing at her.

"Uh huh."

"What'd you make?"

"Well, I just started. Kind of." Olivia said. "I got the salad mix out of the fridge and put it next to the bowl."

"Oh, I see," Alex said with a smile.

"And I put water on the stove, and turned it on. I think."

"Did you get something out to put in the water?"

Olivia smiled and showed her the box of raw pasta.

"You could be the next Emeril." Alex walked across the kitchen and looked at the stove. She smiled as she turned the burner on and turned the oven off. "Would have been a long wait, sweetheart."

"I'm still learning," Olivia said with a smile. Alex gave her a kiss and Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex's waist.

"How about I do the cooking part and you can help by sitting down and watching?" Alex asked.

"Okay," Olivia smiled. "Sorry Alex."

"For what?"

"Yelling at you, I just," Olivia said, looking down.

"I know." Alex said, quieting her with a kiss. Alex didn't want to talk about it. She didn't want to take the chance of the anger coming back. She hated the fear she felt and she hated that she let it control her. She was so happy with this Olivia, the one that she loved so deeply. She was willing to give up whatever part of herself she needed to keep this one around. She closed her eyes tight and pretended that everything was how it used to be. For a moment, she almost believed it

To Be Continued…


	32. Headaches

Headaches

Alex opened the door to the apartment slowly, wondering what kind of Olivia she would be met with today. She was afraid to open it and she stood in front of the door a minute longer than she had to, looking for her keys. She sighed. She hated this not knowing. Olivia could be her old self, loving , caring, attentive, or she could be walking into hell. The angry, combative, depressed woman she barely knew, and she never knew which one to expect.

She opened the door slowly. All the lights were off. The apartment was totally dark. Alex stepped inside and flipped on the light. She looked around puzzled. She looked at her watch. It was 6:28 pm. There's no way.

"Olivia?" Alex called.

Nothing.

Alex sighed. Either they weren't speaking again, without her knowledge, or maybe, she thought with a smile, maybe Olivia was actually taking care of herself for once. No, no, they probably weren't speaking. Alex dropped her brief case and took a deep breath. She looked on the couch and into the kitchen. Olivia wasn't balancing on a shelf or lying unconscious on the floor. Both were good signs. She trudged into the bedroom pulling her jacket off when she saw Olivia on the bed.

"Hey Liv?" She asked quietly, not wanting to wake her if she was asleep.

"Please don't turn the light on." Was the frantic response. There was desperation in her voice.

"Liv?"

"Please Alex." Olivia whimpered.

"What's wrong?" Alex asked, trying to find her way to Olivia in the dark. She found her on the bed, curled into as much of a ball as she could.

"It hurts," was all Olivia said.

Alex felt her pulse start to pound. "What hurts Liv?"

"Shhh…" Olivia whined.

"Olivia listen to me. What hurts?" She asked, running her hand over Olivia's body making sure there was nothing grossly abnormal about her.

"My head." She whispered.

"Sweetie," Alex said, trying to coax her out of her fetal huddle. She reached over to rub Olivia's head, pushing her hair back from her face. Alex could feel the wet tears streaming down her face.

"Please, go away." Olivia sobbed, her voice hitching in her throat.

"Olivia."

"Please Alex."

"No." Alex said quietly.

"Please."

"No, I can't, Olivia. I can't leave you in here in the dark crying."

"There's nothing you can do."

"Did you take anything?" Alex asked quietly.

"Yeah," Olivia whined.

"What?"

"A bunch of Tylenol."

"What's a bunch?"

"Six? Ten? I don't remember."

"Olivia!"

"Alex, it really hurts. Please." Olivia cried.

"You can't take that much Tylenol, sweetheart." Alex said rubbing her head.

"It doesn't matter, it didn't stay down." Olivia whimpered putting her head into Alex's lap.

"When did you take it?" Alex questioned.

"What time is it?" Olivia asked.

"Six thirty." Alex answered quickly.

"Two hours ago? Or three. Something like that"

"You've been lying here in the dark for three hours?"

"It's been longer. I thought it would get better." Olivia moaned.

"Olivia, why didn't you call me?" Alex asked exasperated.

"I could handle it. Please, shhh." Olivia whispered back to her.

"You could handle it? How's that working for you? Come on, Olivia." Alex said, trying to stand.

"Where are you going?"

"We're going to the ER."

"No." Olivia said.

"You can come with me or I'll call an ambulance."

"You will not." Olivia said, pulling herself up off the bed. The movement made her dizzy and she sat immediately back down on the edge hard, yelping

"Olivia, god damn it, why can't you just act like a fucking adult for once?" Alex said, pulling Olivia back onto the bed. "You're going to hurt yourself."

"Alex, get out." Olivia

"Olivia please?"

"Go." She said, pushing herself away from Alex.

"Why can't you let me help you?"

"I don't need your help."

"Oh for Christ's sake." Alex realized in that moment that she had nothing left to give. There was no more fight in her. She couldn't keep challenging. She couldn't keep arguing. She couldn't keep pretending. On the bed, she pulled her legs up to her chest and started to cry. She let out the weeks of pain that she had felt that she hadn't been able to show leak out as deep sobs. Her mind crashed down into itself as she relived each minute of Olivia's recovery, each time she had been pushed away, each time she hadn't been enough, each time she was filled with worry that was thrown to the side and dismissed.

She cried until there were no more tears. She didn't feel Olivia's arms wrapped tightly around her. Olivia didn't realize that in that second, Elliot's warning to her came slamming back into her head. Every cruel word she had said to Alex came flooding through her head. Every rejection, every moment she had pushed her away, every time she had said no, came down to this.

She held Alex as tightly as she could, hoping she could keep her together. She pushed her own pain aside, for once, she could see that her pain was nothing compared to what Alex felt in this moment. She would promise anything in this second…

Alex took deep shaking breath in. "I, I'm sorry." She whispered.

"No, Alex, I'm sorry." Olivia said, feeling her heart breaking.

"You don't have to say that." Alex said feeling the apology came from her display rather than Olivia's own feelings . "I, um, need some time." She pulled herself out of Olivia's arms which suddenly felt wrong to her. She got off the bed, and stood in front of it. "You really should go to the ER. Um, I've, got to go." She said, pointing to the door, and turning, she walked out, doing the one thing she never thought she would do, leaving Olivia alone in the dark.

To Be Continued…


	33. Infidel

Infidel

"Alex?" She heard Elliot's voice after a soft knock on her office door. She pushed the tears out of her eyes, and leaned back into her chair.

"Elliot, sorry, hi." She said, turning to face him.

"Are you all right?" Elliot asked. He took a long look at her. He could see the red in her eyes. He could also see the exhaustion on her face. He could see the unhappiness. He could see the stress. He walked around the desk and leaned against her desk.

"Yeah, why" She asked suspiciously, knowing that whatever brought him to her office wasn't going to be work related.

"Liv called me. Said you didn't go home last night." He said, absently, staring down at her desk blotter.

"Oh." She said quietly.

"She's really worried about you."

"Yeah." Alex sighed.

"She wanted me to come find you."

"Didn't want to find me herself?"

"Nah, I took her to the ER after you called. They gave her some drugs that made her kind of loopy. We were there for awhile, just got her into bed a couple of hours ago. She'd be here, but she's a little out of it."

"She went for you?" Alex said, shaking her head.

"No, she went for you." Elliot said.

"Ha." Alex said, rolling her eyes at him. "Thanks though," Alex said, leaning back into her chair. Without meaning to, she started rubbing her aching temples. Between fighting in court and fighting with Olivia, she was exhausted. She had spent the night in her office working. It had kept her mind on something that wasn't her. It was her safety and she knew that as long as she could keep doing it, she would be okay.

"Alex?" Elliot said, standing and leaning over her chair. He put his hands on her shoulder and started to rub the tension out of her neck. "Jesus Alex, you're tense."

"Really?" She asked, not surprised but not fully realizing how stressed out she was until Elliot's hands started working into her neck muscles.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes." She said quickly.

"Really?" He asked.

"Elliot, I, I love her so much, but she's so angry. She hates me for wanting her to heal. She hates me for holding her back, but she's not making good decisions. I hate saying she's not the same but she's not the same."

"I know," he said quietly.

"She wants to ignore this stuff. She goes between having these horrible headaches that she won't treat and wanting to do things that she's absolutely not ready for…and there's no time between them. I don't know whether to comfort her or kick her."

"I know, Alex."

"I just want her to be happy. But I can't live through watching her lie unconscious in a hospital bed again." The tears started to flow from her eyes. She couldn't stop them even though she wanted them desperately to stop. Elliot had seen them too many times in her eyes.

"Alex," he said, reaching his hand out to her.

"Elliot, she's miserable with me. I just broke down. I promised myself that I wouldn't cry in front of her. That I would be strong and brave for her. And I couldn't do it. I fell apart." She stammered and reached into his arms, letting him hug her close. She felt strength in his arms. The same strength she used to feel in Olivia's. The strength that she longed for that she no longer found there.

"I think she needed to see you like that. I don't think she's actually miserable."

"Yes she is Elliot."

"She's frustrated that she doesn't have the life she had. She wants it all to be normal, and it's not."

She leaned her head into his chest. She felt protected by him, the same safe feeling she had felt so many times before when he had stopped her tears. "I don't know what to do Elliot."

"You've got to believe in her, Alex." He said.

"I believe in her more than I believe in myself." Alex sighed.

"That's your mistake, Alex. You're very strong. You don't need to look to others to get that. And it's okay to cry."

"Thanks Elliot," she said. Taking a deep breath and a step back, she smiled at him. She put her arms on his chest and looked up. With a shake of her head, she pulled away. "Go," she said. "Make sure she doesn't decide to drive down here to get both of us."

Elliot laughed, and then turned around to look at her. "Come here," He said, pulling her to her feet giving her a hug. "It's going to be okay."

"Thanks El," she sighed, letting herself feel comfort in his warm arms.

Elliot smiled. She was so warm. So beautiful. So delicate. Elliot held her face in his hands. His blue eyes met hers and slowly, he leaned in. Their lips collided and in a quick moment, they locked together. He was her protector, her confidante, her savior. Before she could think, her back was against the wall, his hands were running up her leg. She felt him trying to deepen the kiss pushing against her. Her tongue was fighting his; his teeth too big in her mouth. This felt so good, she missed physical contact with another human, but it was so very wrong. Elliot was not the right one. "Elliot," she said breathlessly.

He didn't stop, his warm lips trailed down her neck and she heard herself moan. "Elliot," she said again, pushing him backwards. He stopped and looked at her for a second, seeing confusion in her eyes.

"Alex," he said, concern in his azure eyes.

"I can't, we can't." She stammered, staring back at him.

"I know you feel this, Alex." He said, quietly. "You want it like I do."

"I, I can't," she said, her mind racing a million miles an hour. Every instinct telling her to get away but she trusted him, she relied on him.

"That wasn't a no." He said, leaning into her. She could feel his arousal against her leg, he kissed her again and his strength held her. She let her hands reach to his face, before her brain screamed to stop.

"No," she said back, pulling away breathless.

"But Alex," he said, leaning towards her again.

She pulled her body back, walking around the desk, putting it between them. "I love her, Elliot. I love her too much."

"She treats you like shit, Alex."

"Because she's sick, El." She said, suddenly acutely aware of using his shortened name…how easily it fell from her lips.

"What if that never changes? Did you think about that Alex? What if things never get better with her?"

"I have to believe in her. Isn't that what you said to me?"

"All we ever talk about is how much she hurts you."

"She does, but that doesn't mean…"

"Have you made love to her since she got home?"

Alex stared at him open mouthed. "That's really none of your…"

"Answer it, Alex."

"No, but that's not because," Alex started to explain.

"It's not about her being hurt, Alex. That's bull shit. I've talked to her. She says you won't. Are you really afraid to hurt her or are you afraid you love me?"

"I love her." Alex said, stunned at his accusation. The idea of loving Elliot had never crossed her mind, but she was afraid of intimacy with Olivia—she was afraid of more than breaking her. She was afraid of loving someone who pushed her away so easily. It wasn't that

"And the fact that I kissed you and you kissed me back?" The guilty indictment stayed in the air. "I wasn't," She stammered while his eyes stared holes through her. Alex stopped. She thought about all the times she had come to Elliot. Was it because of Olivia hurting her or was it because of herself?

"Alex, we, we're good together." He said, interrupting her thoughts trying to convince her.

"We're good together because we both love her." She tried to clarify for herself more than him.

"But I can, I love you too." He said.

"I love you too, El, but not like that." she stopped.

"Okay, fine. You want her, I got it. Don't come back crying to me when she hurts you. Again. But," Elliot said, "the offer stands." Elliot said, looking into her eyes.

Alex looked down as he walked out of the office. She stood there, unable to comprehend what had just happened. Olivia's angry eyes flashed through her memory, and the hatred that she saw flashing there tore her heart apart. Now, she could add this to reasons that she could never be good enough. She didn't need this to add to the guilt she already felt.

Her mind raced back to the way Elliot's lips had felt on hers. They were wrong, not the way Olivia's lips caressed and played with hers. He was rough, not the way Olivia was patient and careful, letting her take her time and enjoy the moment.

She thought about how aggressive Elliot had been.

She remembered the first kiss she had with Olivia. They had gone to dinner in a little dive. It was after court and both of them were exhausted. They had walked there together, the air fraught with sexual tension. After dinner, Alex had invited Olivia to her place for coffee. They had done that before. When they had drunk the coffee and moved onto the wine, they had settled comfortably in the couch. Alex could see the whole thing as if it happened in slow motion. The way Olivia had cocked her head at her. The way she had sucked up all her courage and decided to take a chance. The way she had finaly decided to lean in to kiss Liv--the way she realized that Liv was reaching in to meet her half way. The second their lips touched, the softness, the feelings that rocked through her body. The amazing lightheaded swooning that overcame her.

Now, she had this. She sat back down at her desk and stared at the floor. For her this choice was not difficult. She knew exactly what she wanted; she only needed to decide how to go get it.

To Be Continued…


	34. One to Five

One to Five

Elliot had a special way he liked to deal with rejection, especially a rejection as sweet as Alexandra Cabot. He had made this a well played plan that he had practiced for many years every single time he faced such frustrations. It was a ritual that he had shared with his best friend and it was one that he could happily celebrate alone.

The first step was finding a place. It was important that it be somewhere that no one would know him. He liked it dark and dank. He wanted it to look on the outside like he felt on the inside. He wanted it to be a place no sane person would go into. He wanted to be surrounded by people who had lives as pathetic as his. He only did this in his lowest moments.

He would find a seat, near the back but where he could still see the front door. Cop thing, couldn't break it. He kept his head down and his order simple. He wanted to be forgotten, and anything too flashy about him would draw attention. He would stare into the grain of the wood on the bar, if it even had wood. He would trace the grain with his finger, watching the lines run parallel and while they ran close, they never crossed.

He sat back and ordered the first one. It all started with a deep amber liquid swirling in a tiny glass. The first one always stung a little. He hadn't done this for awhile, swearing it off when it helped bring down his marriage the first time. But who was he kidding? His marriage was shit anyway. He had been accused of finding solace in the bottom of a bottle, and he would do it again tonight, consequences be damned. There was one way that he could numb his soul and remove all emotion, and this was it. Now what did he have to refrain for? If Kathy found out he was drinking was that anything compared to the consequences of her discovering what ran through his mind when he thought of Alex's body against that wall? What he had done?

The second one was easier. It still had a burn to it, but it helped to loosen him up. He stared into the bottom of the glass. The coaster was distorted through the bottom, just like his vision. What was he thinking? He made a move on his best friend's girl? He could see now what Olivia saw in Alex. All of what she saw in Alex. Those swirling blue eyes. The thoughtfulness. He could only imagine what she would be like in bed. God what was he thinking. When did this start?

The third drink helped clear his thinking. He could remember the first time he had realized he had feelings for her. In that ER waiting room when she had crawled into his arms and begged him to hold her. When he was angry at Olivia for her--that should have been his red flag. She was his best friend, and he was willing to fight her over Alex. He was willing to risk it all to ask her to treat Alex better. That should have been a monument to stupidity.

The fourth drink brought the full clarity to the situation. Maybe what he had don't wasn't so bad. Perhaps there was a reasonable justification for the move he had made. Maybe she felt it too? He knew it wasn't just about shock and awe. She felt something for him. He could tell by the way she acted. They might be over, Alex and Liv. Alex had left. He had to go pick up the pieces. He tried to work it out between them and Alex still wasn't sure. Maybe he was just providing her with all her options. Letting her know that there were more fish in the sea, so to speak? Maybe that was all bullshit and he knew it. Time for another.

The fifth one would provide oblivion. Elliot let this one last. He sniffed it carefully, like a connoisseur, before he slammed it back. It tasted just as good as the first. The fifth one was the one that let him make his decision. He had to do something. He looked into the bottom of the glass for the advice he knew he would find written there. With a flash of an alcohol addled brain, he knew what he must to.

To Be Continued…


	35. Marked

PLEASE NOTE: THIS CHAPTER IS RATED M IT CONTAINS ADULT CONTENT THAT IS NOT SUITABLE FOR PEOPLE UNDER THE AGE OF 18.

Marked

Alex made her decision. She was ready to act. She could do this; she would do this. It was finally time.

She was ready to stalk her prey. She drove to her goal with a mission in mind. She knew what she had to do. She knew what Elliot's actions had forced in her. She had made her choice and she would mark her territory.

She knew where to look. In moments, she was on the bed, straddling the body she found there. She heard the voice, the shy whisper, "You came back." Olivia looked up at her, curiously. The light from the hall reflected into their bedroom casting strange shadows around their bodies. She looked down into the face of the woman she knew she loved. Not Elliot. He hadn't made her feel like this. He had been there to talk to. He had helped her keep her sanity. She didn't want him though, not like this. She didn't have this feeling when she looked into his eyes. She didn't feel this arousal when he had touched her.

"Yes, I did" Alex said quietly. "I love you," she said, leaning down to Olivia's ear. She reached down and pulled the blankets off between their bodies. She wanted the direct contact. She let herself sit against her girlfriend's pelvis as Olivia smiled up at her. Alex pulled her skirt up high enough to let herself sit and she couldn't help but feel Olivia's eyes on her legs, her hands stroking the fronts of her thighs. She threw off her jacket and pulled her shirt off over her head.

"I went to the doctor," Olivia said, "I feel better." Her smile growing exponentially as Alex lost layers.

"Good," Alex growled. She leaned down and kissed Olivia hard.

Olivia's eyes widened for a second, but quickly she drew into Alex's kiss. Olivia's fingers wrapped into Alex's long hair, as she struggled to sit up and gain control. Alex held her down. Alex grabbed Olivia's hands and pulled them over her head. "Don't." She warned.

She leaned over and whispered in Olivia's ear, "I want you so bad." She said, marking her way down Olivia's neck. She let her body rub against Olivia's and was pleased with her reaction. She could hear the way Olivia drew in air with every sucking kiss. Alex wanted to leave a trail. She wanted a mark, she wanted a sign to everyone that this was hers and she chose Olivia above all others.

Olivia smiled. "Really?" She asked.

"Shut up," Alex said, taking Olivia's breath away again by extracting kisses from her mouth. She could hear Olivia's moan and she immediately put her hands on Olivia's wrists, knowing that she would cheat. With one hand she roughly, pulled up Olivia's tank top exposing her breast. Alex bit down on it, and she felt Olivia's back arch. The scar from her surgery was still red, and Alex kissed it before taking in Olivia's other breast and sucking it hard.

"God," Olivia moaned.

Alex felt Olivia's hands grabbing her thighs, and she smiled a cat like smile. Olivia wouldn't give up control, but Alex took it again. "Keep them up." She growled again, as she forcefully pulled them over her head. She pushed her body tight against Olivia's letting her thigh fall between Olivia's legs. She could feel the desperation as Olivia tried to grind against it. Olivia was just where she wanted her.

She kissed her way down Olivia's body, pulling her boxers away and kissing between Olivia's thighs. Without waiting, without teasing, she attacked, Olivia writhing around her tongue. She could feel the sweat starting to form on Olivia's thighs. She knew how to play Olivia's body, and in seconds she was panting, begging. Alex held back, holding her right on the edge.

Alex could feel her power. She could feel her desire. She could feel her love for Olivia pound through her body. She knew this was right.

With a final lick she sent Olivia over the edge. Olivia yelled her name her body tensing and releasing. Alex teased her, refused to let the orgasm die. Kissing her thighs, preparing to make her scream again, Alex couldn't have been more surprised to hear the name, all wrong, coming from her lips, "Elliot?"

To Be Continued…


	36. Life Support

Life Support

"'Livia," he stammered as he walked into the room. His head was spinning but he had to apologize to her. He had fucked up, he had ruined something precious and he should never have gotten involved. Alex didn't want him, Olivia was his best friend, and he, he was a fuck up.

He opened her door with the key Olivia had given him a million years ago when they had first started out. He didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve her trust. He had to tell her. He pushed himself through the door and stumbled to where he left her, lying in her bed sedated by a shot some doctor had given her in the ass.

He had to talk to her before Cabot. He had to get here first, because once she heard it from Alex, it'd be over for him. He had to explain. She'd be angry. She'd be real angry. He knew that. He knew that he might have damaged things beyond repair, but he knew it'd be better if he told her first. He had to get there. Cabot'd run away. He knew she would, she didn't face shit. She always looked for her escape, somewhere to go to think it all out.

He saw Olivia on the bed, her hands were over her eyes, sweat pouring from her shoulders. "'Livia," he mumbled again. "You okay?"

Her eyes snapped open and her whole body stiffened. It was only then that he realized that she wasn't alone. "Elliot," she gasped. "Get out of here."

His eyes scanned the bed and he saw his blonde goddess fucking the hell out of his best friend.

Bitch. She had brought it home. He tried not to look, but he couldn't help it. Alex's face was priceless. He almost wished he had brought his camera. This'd make a great photo for the office Christmas card. He doubted Alex would be here if he hadn't made a move. The alcohol made his head foggy. He tried to concentrate. He was here for a reason. He could hardly process.

"Get out of here." Alex yelled at him, pulling blankets over both of them, using her own body to help cover Olivia's.

"No, I gotta talk to Liv." He said.

"She doesn't want to talk to you right now." Alex yelled back. "Get out."

"Only because you feel guilty." He yelled at her.

"Elliot, get out." Alex said again, in a low steady voice that was laced with warning.

"You used me." He cried.

"What do you feel guilty for?" Olivia asked Alex, who was grasping Alex like a life jacket.

"Nothing," Alex said, staring wide eyed at Olivia.

"She wants me," Elliot slurred.

"I do not," Alex said with indignation.

"You did, you wanted me." Elliot accused her, staring at her with flames in his eyes.

"You're drunk Elliot." Alex said.

"I'm, not," he stammered, reaching out and putting his hand on the wall, to hold himself up.

"You're making a big mistake." Alex said, slowly. She started to stand, wrapping a blanket tightly around herself.

"I, I thought you felt it to." He muttered.

"Felt what?" Olivia asked her.

"Nothing." Alex said, staring at Elliot.

"What's going on?" Olivia demanded.

"Elliot made a mistake. A big mistake. And now, he's going to leave." Alex said slowly, staring at Elliot starting to take slow steps towards him.

"I'm not leavin'" Elliot slurred. "Till you tell her."

"Alex?" Olivia said expectantly.

"He kissed me."

"She kissed me." The two said in unison.

Olivia looked between both of them with her mouth open. "What the fuck?"

"It's not what you think." Alex said.

"Want to enlighten me?"

"He was confused." Alex said.

"I didn't mean to." Elliot said.

"You touched her?" Olivia said, turning to Elliot.

"She wanted to." He said as though that explained everything.

Olivia looked at Alex who had horror and disgust written on her face. "It's not true," she said, pleading with Olivia.

"When?" she asked.

"A coupla' hours ago," Elliot said. "You gotta forgive me."

"So you kissed him and came back here and fucked me?" Olivia asked, ignoring him and staring at Alex.

"It's not like that."

"What's it like Alex?" Olivia asked.

"It's, he's, it wasn't. He made me realize how much I love you. He made me realize how much I need to work on us." She stuttered.

Olivia put her hands over her head and let it rest on her knees. She could hear the two of them arguing with each other. She hated them fighting. She hated the pain in Alex's voice. She hated Elliot's anger and the idea of him and her, and she didn't know what to do, what to believe, what to think. Her brain wasn't working fast enough to deal with this. Alex. Elliot. The two of them betrayed her. Or had they? Had she betrayed them? Anger started to course through her veins, pumping, towards everything and nothing.

The pain that had been in her head rushed back. It magnified and stabbed through her brain so quickly she couldn't catch her breath. A warm sick feeling overcame her. She looked at Alex and tried to speak, but she couldn't. The last thing she was sure of was Alex's scream.

To Be Continued…


	37. ReRuns

Re-Runs

"I can't believe we're back here." Alex said, pacing back and forth in the little room.

"Alex, calm down." Elliot said, slouching back in the seat.

"Are you fucking serious, Elliot?" She stared at him before continuing her frantic walk.

"Alex, please."

"Don't patronize me." She said angrily, both fury and fear in equal quantities in her blood. She couldn't believe what had happened. The last twenty four hours of her life had spiraled completely out of control. It was like being caught in a bad replay—the story had come full circle—they were back at the beginning, only so much more had happened.

"Alex, can we talk?" Elliot asked, breaking her thoughts.

"You want to talk now? After everything? Really?" She tried to stifle the anger in her voice. If she could, she would scream at him. She wanted to slap him and hug him. He had saved her again—but this time; he had also violated her trust. He had been there, without thinking he had grabbed Olivia and her, ran them both down the stairs and in minutes they were in the ER. Again.

"We have to do it sometime." He said, with a shrug.

"Elliot. Not now." She said, taking a deep breath and pushing the thought of him out of her mind.

"Alex. Please? She's okay." He said. "The doctor told you they just have to run the tests."

"They don't know what happened, Elliot. I should be in there with her, not here with you."

"Alex, I'm sorry." She stopped pacing for one moment. Her eyes stayed frozen forward as he spoke, her body tightening against his words.

"Fine." She said, not looking at him, and continuing her walk.

"Alex, please. Sit down." He said, pointing to the chair next to him.

"What do you want me to say Elliot? That it's all okay? That we can just forget this?" She asked. "You kissed me and then ran into my bedroom uninvited accusing me of wanting you. You want me to just let it go?"

"No."

"Who knows what the hell happened to Olivia, and if that has anything to do with this, anything at all, I'll kill you."

"Alex. I don't expect you to just forgive me." He said, shrugging.

"Well then?"

"I don't want this to ruin everything." Elliot said, putting his head into his hands.

"You should have thought about that before you tried to stick your tongue down my throat." She snarled.

"Alex, I thought, I really thought. I misread the situation." He stammered at her, none of his words sounding right in his own ears.

"Elliot, I'm in love with your partner. Your female partner. That didn't give you any kind off clue that we might not work out? That I might not enjoy you trying to make a pass?"

"I wasn't thinking Alex. I was focused on love knowing no boundaries."

"I have some. Some big ones. And you knew better. You knew about Liv and I. We trusted you. We've been together a year, El. You're the one she told she wanted to spend her life with me." She sighed. "You're her best friend, Elliot. How could you do that to her?"

"I don't know Alex. I don't know how I could do it to either of you. I don't suppose it seemed like a good idea at the time is going to work, huh?"

"Don't even." She pulled her knee up into her chest, holding it tight to her body.

"It was the moment. I thought, Alex, you deserve to be happy. It wasn't about Olivia, it was about you. It was about you not hating yourself anymore for everything that's going on that's not your fault. I wanted you to know that what Olivia was doing to you was wrong, the way she was treating you was wrong. I wanted to express that. I went to talk to her, and I could see what you were dealing with. She was angry. She couldn't see what she had, and it made me realize how lucky she was."

"The way to handle that wasn't to try to make your move, El."

"I know, I, it was a spur of the moment thing. You were there. I was there. It seemed right."

"It was uncomfortable Elliot. It was wrong. I was surprised. I mean, I didn't see it coming. And suddenly, you were there in my personal space. And I was confused to. I mean, not about my feelings for you, but what was happening with Liv. Not because I don't' love her, but because there's so much going on."

"I'm sorry Alex."

"It's not enough." Alex said, with a shrug.

"I know," Elliot said. "You talked to me. You trusted me, and I violated that. I felt so close to you. I thought you felt it to. I want to make this better."

"Elliot, I feel close to you too, you were there for me." She said exasperated. "But I don't feel that way about you."

"I know. I don't feel that way right now either. I did right then. But when I saw you, and Liv. When you were holding her, I realized…"

"You knew I loved Olivia. You had to know."

"I did know."

"You may know, but I don't think you understand."

"It was a mistake."

"How could you, Elliot?" She asked, looking at him dead in the eye.

"Alex. I, I don't have an answer. I don't have a good reason. I did something I shouldn't have done. I did a horrible thing in the spur of the moment that I will regret for the rest of my life. I would take it back if I could."

She looked deep into his eyes searching for an answer that would take away the pain. She couldn't find it, no matter how hard she looked. It was all too much. She shook her head and walked away.

To Be Continued…


End file.
